Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships

Teaching Daddy to Hug

 

He was a middle child in  a family of twelve children, and his father was crippled. One of his legs was permanently bent at the knee, so he had to work extra hard to feed the family.

They lived on a farm in rural Georgia. Times were tough.  Then their house burned, and they lived in the kitchen coop for months while they rebuilt.

Their focus was on survival. There wasn’t time or inclination for much tenderness and affection. They showed they cared for each other by working together to provide basic needs.

Consequently, my father didn’t experience much show-of-affection as a child, and when he had a family, it was not natural to him to be tender and cuddly toward his children. He expressed love by working to provide, protect, and meet the needs of his family.

When his first born was just a year old, Daddy went to serve as a tank commander under General Patton. He didn’t return home or meet his second born until Vernon was two years old. It was a shock to the children to have a strange man around and an adjustment for him to relate to young children.

After the war, my sister came along. I followed a year later. A younger sister and brother rounded out the family. When we were young, Daddy had a bum knee that needed exercise. He’d sling it over the arm of the chair, and we’d sit on his ankle and ride the “horsey” as he lifted his leg up and down to strengthen his knee.

He wrestled with us on the floor too, and rode us piggy back. Those years are filled with special memories. But once we started school, interaction with contact diminished and became almost non existent.

I had a couple of friends whose families were much more affectionate. At times I wished Daddy hugged us and gave us a kiss on the forehead like their dads, but I didn’t dwell on it. I knew I was loved even though it was rarely (if ever) expressed verbally or through touching.

I didn’t really miss Daddy’s hugs until I married a man whose family was more expressive. I learned to appreciate the contact. I began to wish for my father’s hug. When we’d visit, he’d embrace us when we arrived and when we left, but it was stiff and unnatural. I wanted more and decided to pursue it.

So, I taught Daddy to hug.

I’ve recently been asked to share more about how it happened. This post is in response to that request.

When I was with Daddy and we were standing around talking, I’d side up to him and put my arm around his waist. He, in response, put his arm around my shoulder.

At first, Daddy felt stiff, but in time he became more relaxed. The full hugs when we were arriving or departing also loosened up. They were no longer stiff, but warm. In time, he even initiated contact a few times.

Then Daddy had debilitating strokes that paralyzed his right side and scrambled his speech. He’s a fighter and a hard worker. With perseverance, he recovered enough to get around, but he remained mellow and more emotional.

And he suddenly loved to hug. He hugged close and long, connecting, seemingly drawing virtue and strength, sometimes tearing up. He  embraced like he didn’t ever want to let go, even when hugging Robert.

We also began saying, “I love you,” and he’d grin and his eyes would sparkle. He seemed to be making up for lost time.

Daddy had difficulty speaking clearly and we had difficulty understanding, but communication through touch was clear–and precious. To Him and to us.

Years after his first stroke, I learned that my sisters had taken the same gradual steps that I did. None of us ever discussed it or knew of the other’s goal of hugging Daddy until years later.

I believe God orchestrated our sessions in hugging. I think He knew that after Daddy’s strokes, when he couldn’t express love through providing, protecting, and serving his family, that he would need a way to show his love.

We needed it too. And we were glad that Daddy was prepared ahead of time.

Life may seem normal without hugs, but relationships sure are richer with them. If hugs aren’t natural in your close relationships, I encourage you to slowly and gently push the boundary.

You’ll be glad you did.

 

 

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The Importance of Touch in Building Family – Part 1

Touch is very important in building healthy family relationships.

When a young child causes another one to be hurt, the parents often correct him and then say, “Go hug Johnny and tell him you’re sorry.” Many times, as soon as he touches his friend to give him a hug, big grins replace the scowls. If it’s two boys, they’re likely to fall and roll on the ground laughing like they are once again best buddies.

Attitudes are more likely to change if a hug is included in the apology, but we seem to forget that as the child ages. Hugs are no longer required. Indeed, even the apology is required less often.

If you’re married, do you ask your spouse for forgiveness when needed–and hug to seal the interchange? What about with your children?

There is power in the touch. It doesn’t have to be a hug, but touching makes a difference. Something is transmitted through touch.

In Leviticus, there are many laws warning about touching people or things that are unclean. Why? Because uncleanness is transmitted through touch, making the person unclean. (Lev. 5:2-3, Lev. 7:21)

On the other hand, crowds following Jesus tried to touch Him so they would be healed. The woman with an issue of blood was healed when she touched the hem of His garment. Jesus even felt the transfer of power and asked who had touched Him (Matt. 9:20-22). Likewise, the blind man was healed when Jesus touched his eyes (Mark 8:22-25).

There is power in the touch.

I’m speaking of gentle, intentional touching. Harsh, hurtful touch, such as a slap on the face, also carries a message that is greater than the force of contact. The transfer of power behind such force causes harm to the soul and the relationship, but a gentle, intentional touch is healing and builds relationship.

Touch stimulates growth. Babies in crowded orphanages who are left in beds all day with little touching or interaction with adults, do not grow and develop normally. Indeed, children of all ages show emotional and developmental problems if they lack interaction and physical contact.

Likewise, marriage relationships experience stunting in growth and development
without regular contact. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 indicates that the touch between husband and wife needs to also include intimacy, and that it is harmful to deprive your spouse.

It’s good to set aside a regular daily time for touching. It can be holding hands across the table during devotions, a time to debrief about the day, sitting side-by-side on the couch—with the children in another room. Or it can be as simple as holding hands on a walk or a time of cuddling after going to bed.

The time doesn’t have to be long to strengthen the bond between two people. Ten minutes at a time is a good start. That’s a small investment to strength a marriage bond.

I might add, that the power of touch is also a reason to encourage teens and young adults to delay touching in early dating. Casual touching can strengthen a bond too soon. That magnifies the temptation and stress in the relationship, often leading to unplanned intimacy.

I didn’t grow up in a family that touched much, so I had to be intentional about it at first. But I’ve learned well, and I’m grateful for the rewards that I see in my marriage and in relationships with others.

We’ve found that it is a challenge as a couple to walk as one, following Jesus’ command that a husband and wife are to be one flesh (Matt. 19:5-6).

However, the simple practice of regular hugs and cuddles is a simple, practical way to help build and maintain harmony and unity in the home. That’s true between husband and wife and with the children as well.