Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships

Are You Listening?

Image result for image of listening earsListening? I’m tired of listening. I’m tempted to block some people because their pressure for me to conform to their way of thinking wears me out. Protests, shouting, and strong language make me want to close my ears and turn my back.

Even people with compatible viewpoints try my patience when they push hard and feel manipulative, as they try to force their opinion or agenda.

Force. That’s the problem. When someone pushes me, I want to push back, or to turn away.

Either reaction deepens the divide. Whether between individuals, political parties, or nations, pushing widens the schism.

In the political world, protests have become the means of communication, with name-calling, fact-twisting, and fear mongering used as weapons of war. Deeper divides are the fruit of such tactics. It doesn’t bring peace any better than a husband and wife screaming and yelling at each other. It only leads to deeper hurt and a wider rift.

Healing, peace, and unity come from laying the “anti” sentiments aside and settling down to really hear the other side. True listening seeks to identify hurts, fears, dreams, and goals of the other person.

The problem often stems from opposing ideologies and goals, but compromise is impossible without real dialogue. Indeed, influencing the opponent to change is also impossible if we maintain an us-versus-them attitude, where our goal is to defeat them rather than to work together.

Paul Tournier, a Swiss physician, and author of To Understand Each Other, said, “Listen to all the conversations of our world, those between nations as well as those between couples. They are for the most part dialogues of the deaf. Exceedingly few exchanges of viewpoints manifest a real desire to understand the other person. No one can find a full life without feeling understood at least by one person. Misunderstood, he loses his self-confidence, he loses his faith in life, or even in God.”

I would add, “Misunderstood, he fights harder to be heard and to be understood.” When both sides feel misunderstood, the fight intensifies. Furthermore, the ability to hear diminishes, decreasing the effectiveness of all the effort put into being heard and understood.

Proverbs sums it up well. “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Prov. 18:13). You might say, “He who yells and screams to be heard (without first hearing the other side) is wasting his breath. His efforts are futile and lead only to shame.”

In fact, the result often leads to negative results. Proverbs 15:1 states that “a harsh word stirs up anger,” whereas “a soft answer turns away wrath.”

Do you want to dial down the anger and soften the rhetoric. Remember that “a soft answer turns away wrath.”

Softer, kinder rhetoric would be nice, but peace and working together in unity would be even better.

We probably won’t find that until the other side knows we’ve heard them and that we care. A soft answer, rather than anger, on our part is a good start, but we need to listen to what they’re saying.

If we don’t make an effort to listen, we will continue to have dialogs of the deaf, where nobody pays attention to the other side. We will continue to be isolated and alienated.

Listening doesn’t mean agreement in every case, but sometimes it leads to a point at which there is agreement. It does mean that I lay aside my agenda long enough to seek understanding and to show respect and caring for the other person.

Ask, “Can you help me understand?” and “In addition to that, is there anything else?” If they know they’ve been heard, they’ll be more open to hear you.

Until that happens, how will we ever be able to work together rather than spend all our energy fighting?

By listening, you can make a difference.

Listening says, “I care. You are important. Your hopes, fears and opinions matter because you matter.”

Are you listening?

 

 

 

 

 

Hints for Healing When Tensions Build

Alternate Title: The Importance of Touch in Building Family – Part 2

In Part 1, I talked about the simple act of touching being a practical tool for bonding. Even when it’s soft and subtle, touch can be powerful.

The same is true during conflict. When in the midst of a heated fight, gentle touch
helps de-escalate tension.

A couple once visited us for marital counseling.  In response to her pain from something he’d done, she pulled away from him. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong, so he was offended when she rejected him.

By the time they came to us, they were barely speaking, with both occasionally threatening the possibility of divorce. (Though they both were also saying, “The thing that scares me most is that he/she might leave me.) In other words, emotions were deep and not always rational.

They arrived in separate cars, and sat on the couch. He clung to the right arm, she hugged the left. After a bit, we asked them to move closer together and suggested that he put his arm around her. When they were touching, the blaming and the anger cooled. They even glanced at each other a few times.

However, a misunderstanding caused tensions to rise again, and the arm came down, the space between them increased, and the threat for divorce came up again.

Many couples go through similar scenes, and like this couple, they often reconcile. However, things can work out more quickly and with less drama with the application of a few guidelines.

In a hostile environment, vulnerability is high, especially if you’re hurting from something that’s already happened. It doesn’t feel safe to be close, much less to touch, as if space offers protection from being hurt again. Rather than reach out, “my” self-protective nature wants to reject–or hurt–“you” before you hurt or reject me.

It’s hard to take the first vulnerable step when you’ve been hurt. Meanwhile, the tension and strife continue.

However, for me, at the same time I want to push away, every fiber of my being often longs to be embraced and comforted. While maintaining a safe distance, my inner man is likely crying, “Please hold me! Hug me and say you’re sorry I’m hurting.” But it took a long time for me to learn to verbalize those feelings.

If the relationship is more important than winning an argument (and 99.9% of the time it is), choose to be vulnerable, and use touch to help prevent the tension from becoming intense. If things get out of hand, try touch as a way to de-escalate the drama.

Touch helps build a bond and maintain the peace n several ways. Some ways you can use touch to help is:

  1. Every day, cuddle and talk when you first get home or first go to bed to strengthen the bond and thus deepen trust.
  2. Daily cuddling and sharing makes it obvious when you don’t want to cuddle. It serves as a signal that something is not right in the relationship. You can then talk it through before it gets buried and grows, becoming a major issue.
  3. When a difference arises, touch as you seek to understand each other and o-SAD-COUPLE.jpg (1536×1024)settle differences. (Hold hands, lightly carress or rub his/her back, place hands on thighs, touch toes or knees under the table, or such.) Maintain a bridge of touch. Even fragile, tentative contact communicates a desire to reconcile.
  4. If your inner man wants peace and unity, it helps to verbalize that—even if you feel vulnerable doing so. Sharing the desire for unity opens the door for changing directions and tone of the discussion. True victory is oneness, peace, and joy in the relationship. Stating that goal helps elevate it above the temporary discord.
  5. Ask forgiveness—and forgive. Make sure things are clear between you.
  6. Hug to seal the union.

If the hostility is so intense that the thought of touching is revolting and out of the question, it’s probably time to take a break, get quiet before the Lord, and take a pop quiz with 1 Corinthians 13 and see if your love has failed.

Ask yourself, am I being arrogant? Seeking my own? Being provoked, and taking into account a wrong suffered? Or am I being patient, kind, bearing all things, and enduring all things?   (1 Cor. 13:4-7),

In His final hours with His disciples, Jesus said, “And the glory which Thou hast given Me I have given to them (followers); that they may be one, just as We are one” (John 17:21-22, emphasis added).

Some days, it’s hard to remain one with another person, even the one you love the most. But we’re not alone. Jesus passed on His glory to help us be one just as He is one with His Father.

It’s important to Jesus that we be one. I’m not sure how to appropriate His glory for that purpose, except by taking up my cross daily and following Him. That means death, and it often requires death to self–to my rights, to being heard, to my . . ..

I have to die to winning the momentary victory, if I want the win the battle to be one with my mate. I need to die to self in the fight to find unity and peace.

When we are one, that’s a strong family. It also brings  peace and joy to us and glory to God. The only way we can do that is by appropriating His glory. Touch is a simple trick to help us get there.

 

 

 

 

 

The Importance of Touch in Building Family – Part 1

Touch is very important in building healthy family relationships.

When a young child causes another one to be hurt, the parents often correct him and then say, “Go hug Johnny and tell him you’re sorry.” Many times, as soon as he touches his friend to give him a hug, big grins replace the scowls. If it’s two boys, they’re likely to fall and roll on the ground laughing like they are once again best buddies.

Attitudes are more likely to change if a hug is included in the apology, but we seem to forget that as the child ages. Hugs are no longer required. Indeed, even the apology is required less often.

If you’re married, do you ask your spouse for forgiveness when needed–and hug to seal the interchange? What about with your children?

There is power in the touch. It doesn’t have to be a hug, but touching makes a difference. Something is transmitted through touch.

In Leviticus, there are many laws warning about touching people or things that are unclean. Why? Because uncleanness is transmitted through touch, making the person unclean. (Lev. 5:2-3, Lev. 7:21)

On the other hand, crowds following Jesus tried to touch Him so they would be healed. The woman with an issue of blood was healed when she touched the hem of His garment. Jesus even felt the transfer of power and asked who had touched Him (Matt. 9:20-22). Likewise, the blind man was healed when Jesus touched his eyes (Mark 8:22-25).

There is power in the touch.

I’m speaking of gentle, intentional touching. Harsh, hurtful touch, such as a slap on the face, also carries a message that is greater than the force of contact. The transfer of power behind such force causes harm to the soul and the relationship, but a gentle, intentional touch is healing and builds relationship.

Touch stimulates growth. Babies in crowded orphanages who are left in beds all day with little touching or interaction with adults, do not grow and develop normally. Indeed, children of all ages show emotional and developmental problems if they lack interaction and physical contact.

Likewise, marriage relationships experience stunting in growth and development
without regular contact. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 indicates that the touch between husband and wife needs to also include intimacy, and that it is harmful to deprive your spouse.

It’s good to set aside a regular daily time for touching. It can be holding hands across the table during devotions, a time to debrief about the day, sitting side-by-side on the couch—with the children in another room. Or it can be as simple as holding hands on a walk or a time of cuddling after going to bed.

The time doesn’t have to be long to strengthen the bond between two people. Ten minutes at a time is a good start. That’s a small investment to strength a marriage bond.

I might add, that the power of touch is also a reason to encourage teens and young adults to delay touching in early dating. Casual touching can strengthen a bond too soon. That magnifies the temptation and stress in the relationship, often leading to unplanned intimacy.

I didn’t grow up in a family that touched much, so I had to be intentional about it at first. But I’ve learned well, and I’m grateful for the rewards that I see in my marriage and in relationships with others.

We’ve found that it is a challenge as a couple to walk as one, following Jesus’ command that a husband and wife are to be one flesh (Matt. 19:5-6).

However, the simple practice of regular hugs and cuddles is a simple, practical way to help build and maintain harmony and unity in the home. That’s true between husband and wife and with the children as well.