Listening? I’m tired of listening. I’m tempted to block some people because their pressure for me to conform to their way of thinking wears me out. Protests, shouting, and strong language make me want to close my ears and turn my back.
Even people with compatible viewpoints try my patience when they push hard and feel manipulative, as they try to force their opinion or agenda.
Force. That’s the problem. When someone pushes me, I want to push back, or to turn away.
Either reaction deepens the divide. Whether between individuals, political parties, or nations, pushing widens the schism.
In the political world, protests have become the means of communication, with name-calling, fact-twisting, and fear mongering used as weapons of war. Deeper divides are the fruit of such tactics. It doesn’t bring peace any better than a husband and wife screaming and yelling at each other. It only leads to deeper hurt and a wider rift.
Healing, peace, and unity come from laying the “anti” sentiments aside and settling down to really hear the other side. True listening seeks to identify hurts, fears, dreams, and goals of the other person.
The problem often stems from opposing ideologies and goals, but compromise is impossible without real dialogue. Indeed, influencing the opponent to change is also impossible if we maintain an us-versus-them attitude, where our goal is to defeat them rather than to work together.
Paul Tournier, a Swiss physician, and author of To Understand Each Other, said, “Listen to all the conversations of our world, those between nations as well as those between couples. They are for the most part dialogues of the deaf. Exceedingly few exchanges of viewpoints manifest a real desire to understand the other person. No one can find a full life without feeling understood at least by one person. Misunderstood, he loses his self-confidence, he loses his faith in life, or even in God.”
I would add, “Misunderstood, he fights harder to be heard and to be understood.” When both sides feel misunderstood, the fight intensifies. Furthermore, the ability to hear diminishes, decreasing the effectiveness of all the effort put into being heard and understood.
Proverbs sums it up well. “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Prov. 18:13). You might say, “He who yells and screams to be heard (without first hearing the other side) is wasting his breath. His efforts are futile and lead only to shame.”
In fact, the result often leads to negative results. Proverbs 15:1 states that “a harsh word stirs up anger,” whereas “a soft answer turns away wrath.”
Do you want to dial down the anger and soften the rhetoric. Remember that “a soft answer turns away wrath.”
Softer, kinder rhetoric would be nice, but peace and working together in unity would be even better.
We probably won’t find that until the other side knows we’ve heard them and that we care. A soft answer, rather than anger, on our part is a good start, but we need to listen to what they’re saying.
If we don’t make an effort to listen, we will continue to have dialogs of the deaf, where nobody pays attention to the other side. We will continue to be isolated and alienated.
Listening doesn’t mean agreement in every case, but sometimes it leads to a point at which there is agreement. It does mean that I lay aside my agenda long enough to seek understanding and to show respect and caring for the other person.
Ask, “Can you help me understand?” and “In addition to that, is there anything else?” If they know they’ve been heard, they’ll be more open to hear you.
Until that happens, how will we ever be able to work together rather than spend all our energy fighting?
By listening, you can make a difference.
Listening says, “I care. You are important. Your hopes, fears and opinions matter because you matter.”
Are you listening?
settle differences. (Hold hands, lightly carress or rub his/her back, place hands on thighs, touch toes or knees under the table, or such.) Maintain a bridge of touch. Even fragile, tentative contact communicates a desire to reconcile.
Touch is very important in building healthy family relationships.
ay, sitting side-by-side on the couch—with the children in another room. Or it can be as simple as holding hands on a walk or a time of cuddling after going to bed.
grow up in a family that touched much, so I had to be intentional about it at first. But I’ve learned well, and I’m grateful for the rewards that I see in my marriage and in relationships with others.