hurt | Robert & Kay Camenisch

Most of us are familiar with the prayer that Jesus taught His disciples. We pray it together, saying “Forgive us our debts—or tre Image result for image of praying woman spasses—as we forgive our debtors—or those who trespass against us.”

If we grew up in the church, we’ve probably prayed it so many times that we often don’t hear what we’re saying, but in those words, we clearly set the standard for how much we want God to forgive us.

Indeed, in the following verses, Jesus says that if we don’t forgive those who have offended us, then “neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Mt. 6:14-15).

That’s drastic.

And yet, how often, when we’ve been offended, do we let the offense roll around in our thoughts, stirring up our emotions?

We don’t want to forgive until the other person understands the hurt they have inflicted, admits their wrong, asks forgiveness, and/or suffers in like manner.

And so we hold out, unwilling to forgive until we see justice meted out to our satisfaction.

But, if we hang onto those negative thoughts and feelings, it infects our whole being. Harboring unforgiveness leads to greater hurt in our lives.

We may blame the other person, but it isn’t the original offense, but our unwillingness to forgive that causes rottenness in our hearts. Like a little worm in an apple or a pear unforgiveness eats away at our soul, making it rotten from the inside out.

Our unforgiveness quickly turns to bitterness toward that person, then toward others who remind Image result for Bitter Old Ladies us of them or who inflict a similar offense. Then our souls become so infected with unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger that our whole view of life is affected.

(And who enjoys being around a bitter person? . . . Not even the person him/herself.)

We lose sight of God’s blessings and the many things we have to be thankful for because our focus is on the negatives of life.

The solution is simple. If we forgive, we will be forgiven, and our souls will be renewed.

The answer is simple, but doing it is sometimes difficult. The hurt may be deep. The offense may be ongoing, with no hope of change. Others (well-meaning friends?) may encourage negative feelings by agreeing with them. Furthermore, the devil doesn’t want us to forgive, so he’ll keep stirring up the pain to keep it fresh, making it more difficult to forgive.

If you’re in bondage because of unforgiveness, you don’t have to stay there. A few steps can lead to freedom:

Choose to forgive. Do you want peace and joy, or to stay in bondage? Some people have lived in unforgiveness so long they don’t want to change. Consider your options, and choose freedom.
Then repent. Ask the Lord to forgive you for holding on. Ask Him to help you find freedom—and peace and joy.
Speak (out loud) words of forgiveness. Be specific. “Lord I forgive (name) for (action) and for (the specific pain(s) you felt). I release him/her into your hands for You to deal with them as You see fit. You take care of bringing any justice that is needed.”
If you aren’t yet willing to pray that prayer, pray, “Lord make me willing,” and pour out your heart to Him about why it’s hard. Close your time with Him with a commitment to forgive, such as, “Lord, I forgive (name). I choose to forgive, and I ask you to work it out in my heart.” Forgiveness is a choice. The feelings often follow.
The next morning, when you wake up, before you get up, pray again, “Lord, I forgive . . ..” And the next morning, and the next, and the next . . . until you wake up and no longer feel negative toward that person. Keep it up, even if it takes a month or two.
When the person re-offends: repeat the forgiveness, the dialog with God, the whole process. As you forgive them for the new offense, it is wise to repeat the forgiveness for the original offense. When we’re reminded of the original offense, we often need to forgive again—up to 70 times 7 times (Mt. 18:22)! Don’t be satisfied until you are freed and experience new life and joy.

When we don’t forgive, it creates barriers between us and God, family and friends, and even within ourselves. Nobody enjoys an angry bitter person. Furthermore, they don’t enjoy themselves or life.

The deeper the hurt and more difficult it is to forgive, the greater the release and f Image result for image of chains breaking reedom will be upon truly forgiving. Jesus died so that we could enjoy righteousness (right relationships), peace, and joy, but we can block the flow of those blessings if we don’t forgive.

Our Lord forgave us when we didn’t deserve it. We can do the same. Press forward to be saved and free to be enjoy life in Christ.

My focus on walls started while listening to a friend share about a marriage crisis. As she talked, I could sense that she’d erected a protective wall, shielding herself from further hurt.

I identified with her. I’ve been there and done that. When we feel the pain of flaming darts–whether thrown or imagined– we instinctively put up a wall to block further hurt.

I’ve also experienced what it’s like for the wall to grow taller and thicker. If it isn’t systematically torn down each time it’s erected, it takes over, blocking more than present pain. Instead, it creates unintended barriers and pain.

According to Brene’ Brown, “When you numb hard feelings, you numb positive feelings too. You can’t be selective.” If allowed to grow, walls stop all true fellowship and eventually the life in the relationship.

A numb heart has difficulty being gracious. Likewise, it has hard time seeing or accepting anything positive from the one who is a perceived threat. A walled heart leads to a sterile, dry, lonely existence—and likely one punctuated with cold remarks and angry outbursts.

When I checked Scripture to see what God said, I found many verses about walls–those around the city. According to the Word, they are obviously good to protect the city. Indeed, it’s bad when the they have a breach or get torn down. I didn’t find any negative connotation about walls.

After prayer and meditation, I determined that all walls are not created equal. We need them around our cities, our communities, and families to keep out the enemy that “prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Pet. 5:8).

However, if we build walls within the city—or the family, in my example—it disrupts the function of the whole. Each individual is isolated. It’s like building a wall between the head and the heart of a body. If you block communication and fellowship within the body, it can no longer function as one.

Indeed, when we begin building walls to protect ourselves from a family member, unity in the family is broken. Interior walls are a pretty good indication that the enemy has entered through a breach in the exterior wall.

While he didn’t use the analogy of walls that separate, when Paul wrote the church at Philippi, he focused on the need for unity, encouraging them to “stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel” (Phil. 1:27). If that is needed in the church, how much more is it true of the family?

When walls go up, it’s because we feel hurt or threatened and we seek to protect ourselves and our interests. We aren’t thinking about unity. We’re trying to avoid pain and discord.

But we don’t need to protect ourselves, because God told us He would “cover you with His pinions, And under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark. You will not be afraid of the terror by night, or of the arrow that flies by day” (Ps. 91:4-5).

Our walls may offer a bit or protection, but they are a denial of God’s shield and refuge. They are a poor substitute for hiding in the Lord because they also block us from God. We need His grace for peace in the midst of the storm and His answers to move beyond it.

The Lord offers protection, comfort, care, and hope for reconciliation.

“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” (Ps. 18:2-3)

Which is better? Being safely tucked under the comforting wings of the almighty God, or crouching alone behind a hard cold wall?

Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships

How to Forgive When It’s Hard

Walls