How to Forgive When It Is Difficult

Jesus said, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matt. 6:14-15).

Jesus spoke these words immediately after teaching His disciples to ask God to forgive “my” sins (transgressions) as I forgive those who sin against me. Knowing that if I don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive me is a convincing reason to forgive quickly.

But sometimes the wounds are deep and forgiveness is hard. If that’s where you are, choose to forgive, and ask the Lord for His help.

If forgiveness doesn’t seem to stick or if the pain hangs around, returns, or bitterness creeps in, then consider something I learned from Rich Gartrell as he prayed with somebody who lacked freedom in the Lord because of deep wounds that continued to haunt them.

He pointed out that there are three aspects of full forgiveness. (1) Forgive the person; (2) Forgive what the person did; and (3) Forgive the person for the consequences of their action(s).

1. Many times, with simple offenses, when you forgive the person, it’s a done deal. The air is cleared and all is well in the relationship.

2. However, if the dividing wall still stands, if you still feel the need to defend yourself or help them understand where they wronged you, more work needs to be done. In your heart, (out loud if it’ll help), forgive the person for what they did. If you judged them for their sin, name the sin. Be specific as you offer forgiveness.

3. If the wound is deep or if unforgiveness lingers, forgive the person for the consequences of their actions. Examples when this could, and probably would, be needed are cases of abuse that left feelings of shame, guilt, or worthlessness. It could also be from infidelity and/or desertion of a spouse that leaves lasting damage to the children. In both, the consequences are great and are lasting.

Often, after making the hard choice to forgive the perpetrator of these—and similar offenses—the unforgiveness pops back up when a consequence is obvious once again, or even from a memory. If and when that happens be sure all three steps of forgiving have been taken.

If you have forgiven the person, their actions, and the consequences and feelings of unforgiveness pops up again,

1. then declare, “Get behind me, Satan. I’ve forgiven ___. All he/she did is in the Lord’s hands now, so talk to Him.” or

2. then forgive again if needed—even to seventy times seven times (more than we can keep count of). After telling Peter that we’re to forgive seventy times seven times He told a parable about a master forgiving a slave, and the slave then refusing to forgive one who borrowed a smaller amount from him. When the master found out, he was angry and delivered him to torturers until he paid.

Jesus then closed with, “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses (Matt. 18:35).

Torturers are real, and they aren’t always in dungeons. They attack through doubts, and thoughts and feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, inadequacy and the list goes on. They also exhibit themselves in sleeplessness, arthritis, joint pain, autoimmune diseases, digestive issues, and more. And in emotional and relational issues such as anger, bitterness, fear, anxiety, need to control, and more.

Note: It’s not that these are always caused by unforgiveness, but doctors often say that many physical illnesses have a spiritual base, and unforgiveness is a source of bondage to torturers even today.

If your pain is so deep that forgiving the perpetrator is too difficult, and yet you want to obey the Lord and experience freedom from the bondage that it brings, release that person to Jesus. Include the things he/she did, and the consequences. You’ve carried the burden long enough. Would you trust it to Him? He’s willing to take it. Furthermore, He declared, “Vengence is mine.”

He loves you and wants you to be free. He’s powerful and just. He will carry it for you. Will you trust Him with the burden?

Then thank and praise Him for His goodness and love!

Why Forgive?

Because Jesus died on the cross, we are totally forgiven. He paid the price for our sins, so we can enjoy freedom and new life in Him. Without His forgiveness, we would be doomed to eternity in hell. With it we can enjoy intimate communion with Him. Forever.

As I celebrated Easter, I couldn’t help but notice the contrast between our world today and the benefits of Jesus’ gift to us. Unforgiveness abounds.

Name-calling, hatred, and personal destruction by targeted canceling are being used for self or agenda promotion. There seems to be no thought of seeking peace, much less forgiving. Instead it seems that animosity and hatred have spun out of control.

That’s sad, because holding unforgiveness and hatred is toxic. Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” He could have used “not forgiving” in place of “resentment.” It is poisonous to the one who drinks it.

Forgiving does not let the other person off the hook. Nor does it excuse a wrong or imply that an action was all right. Instead, forgiving someone hands that person over to the Lord for Him to deal with them. It transfers the burden and responsibility of justice from me to God.

The burden of holding a person until they “pay” for what they did—while in reality, they probably can never pay enough—robs the holder of peace and joy, and negatively impacts physical health.

Most importantly, not fully forgiving blocks our relationship with God. Furthermore, Jesus modeled forgiveness, and He told us to forgive.

While He was hanging on the cross, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Lk. 23:34). We are also told in 1 John that, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 Jn. 1:9).

If we follow Jesus and He has forgiven our sins, won’t we also follow His example and forgive others?

Peter struggled with this forgiveness thing. He asked Jesus, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” and Jesus answered, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt. 18:21-22). That’s serious forgiving.

(For the rest of the conversation, continue reading in Matthew18:23-35.)

Matthew 5:23-26 shows that strained earthly relationships damage our relationship with God. Jesus said, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

The verses that follow the Lord’s Prayer reinforce the message that we are to forgive. Jesus continued, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matt. 6:14-15).

It’s hard to misinterpret that. If we want God to forgive us, we need to forgive those who offend us.

We like the quote from Luke 6:38, “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” That verse makes us feel good when we put in our offering.

But, it isn’t just talking about giving money or even giving food to the poor. In context, Jesus is talking about forgiving. These words of receiving an abundance according to what you give follows immediately after words on judging, condemning, and forgiving. Jesus said, “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Lk. 6:37-38).

I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been wounded. We’ve all chosen to forgive. We’ve forgiven many people. Many times. Even some people many times—in spite of the fact that our sinful nature tempts us to hold grudges rather than forgive.. Our present culture reinforces the idea that we have a right to be resentful and to fight back.

However, the fact remains, if we want to experience righteousness, peace, and joy in Christ, we must choose to follow His example and forgive.

But, sometimes the wounds are deep and forgiveness is hard. At times, in spite of our efforts, forgiveness doesn’t seem to stick and the pain hangs around, returns, or bitterness creeps in.

If that’s where you are, consider the passages above and the importance of obeying what God asks of us. When you feel the weight lifted from your soul, you’ll be glad you did.

Tell the Lord you’re willing to forgive.

Ask for His help.

If needed tell Him you choose to forgive, speak words of forgiveness, and ask Him to make it real in your heart.

Also, check back. I’ll follow up with more on how to forgive.

Meanwhile, may the Lord bless you and give you faith, courage, and strength to obey as you seek to walk out your faith by forgiving those who trespass against you..

How to Forgive When It’s Hard

Most of us are familiar with the prayer that Jesus taught His disciples. We pray it together, saying “Forgive us our debts—or tre Image result for image of praying woman spasses—as we forgive our debtors—or those who trespass against us.”

If we grew up in the church, we’ve probably prayed it so many times that we often don’t hear what we’re saying, but in those words, we clearly set the standard for how much we want God to forgive us.

Indeed, in the following verses, Jesus says that if we don’t forgive those who have offended us, then “neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Mt. 6:14-15).

That’s drastic.

And yet, how often, when we’ve been offended, do we let the offense roll around in our thoughts, stirring up our emotions?

We don’t want to forgive until the other person understands the hurt they have inflicted, admits their wrong, asks forgiveness, and/or suffers in like manner.

And so we hold out, unwilling to forgive until we see justice meted out to our satisfaction.

But, if we hang onto those negative thoughts and feelings, it infects our whole being. Harboring unforgiveness leads to greater hurt in our lives.

We may blame the other person, but it isn’t the original offense, but our unwillingness to forgive that causes rottenness in our hearts. Like a little worm in an apple or a pear unforgiveness eats away at our soul, making it rotten from the inside out.

Our unforgiveness quickly turns to bitterness toward that person, then toward others who remind Image result for Bitter Old Ladies us of them or who inflict a similar offense. Then our souls become so infected with unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger that our whole view of life is affected.

(And who enjoys being around a bitter person? . . . Not even the person him/herself.)

We lose sight of God’s blessings and the many things we have to be thankful for because our focus is on the negatives of life.

The solution is simple. If we forgive, we will be forgiven, and our souls will be renewed.

The answer is simple, but doing it is sometimes difficult. The hurt may be deep. The offense may be ongoing, with no hope of change. Others (well-meaning friends?) may encourage negative feelings by agreeing with them. Furthermore, the devil doesn’t want us to forgive, so he’ll keep stirring up the pain to keep it fresh, making it more difficult to forgive.

If you’re in bondage because of unforgiveness, you don’t have to stay there. A few steps can lead to freedom:

Choose to forgive. Do you want peace and joy, or to stay in bondage? Some people have lived in unforgiveness so long they don’t want to change. Consider your options, and choose freedom.
Then repent. Ask the Lord to forgive you for holding on. Ask Him to help you find freedom—and peace and joy.
Speak (out loud) words of forgiveness. Be specific. “Lord I forgive (name) for (action) and for (the specific pain(s) you felt). I release him/her into your hands for You to deal with them as You see fit. You take care of bringing any justice that is needed.”
If you aren’t yet willing to pray that prayer, pray, “Lord make me willing,” and pour out your heart to Him about why it’s hard. Close your time with Him with a commitment to forgive, such as, “Lord, I forgive (name). I choose to forgive, and I ask you to work it out in my heart.” Forgiveness is a choice. The feelings often follow.
The next morning, when you wake up, before you get up, pray again, “Lord, I forgive . . ..” And the next morning, and the next, and the next . . . until you wake up and no longer feel negative toward that person. Keep it up, even if it takes a month or two.
When the person re-offends: repeat the forgiveness, the dialog with God, the whole process. As you forgive them for the new offense, it is wise to repeat the forgiveness for the original offense. When we’re reminded of the original offense, we often need to forgive again—up to 70 times 7 times (Mt. 18:22)! Don’t be satisfied until you are freed and experience new life and joy.

When we don’t forgive, it creates barriers between us and God, family and friends, and even within ourselves. Nobody enjoys an angry bitter person. Furthermore, they don’t enjoy themselves or life.

The deeper the hurt and more difficult it is to forgive, the greater the release and f Image result for image of chains breaking reedom will be upon truly forgiving. Jesus died so that we could enjoy righteousness (right relationships), peace, and joy, but we can block the flow of those blessings if we don’t forgive.

Our Lord forgave us when we didn’t deserve it. We can do the same. Press forward to be saved and free to be enjoy life in Christ.

Me? In Bondage?

When inmates have served their time, paid their debt to society, and are released from prison, they are not yet free. They continue to live in bondage. At least that’s what Quovadis Marshall said at the conference of the International Coalition of Prison Evangelists (COPE) in Indianapolis. He has a point.

For instance, when inmates are released, many of their families–much less communities–won’t have anything to do with them. For the rest of their lives, former offenders have a record, which makes it difficult to find acceptance and to succeed in society.

It’s hard to find a job, especially one that will support a family. They can’t vote, though they must pay taxes. And more. Somebody listed 44 ways that former inmates do not experience the same liberties as those who have not been behind bars.

His point is well taken. Indeed, some–though not all–are changed and want to start over, but they need support. As they re-enter society, we can help them succeed and share our faith by supporting them as they find their way.

But that isn’t why I’m writing.

I’ve been wondering how the same principle applies to those of us who have never been incarcerated. Consider God’s chosen people.

The Israelites were miraculously freed from hundreds of years of slavery. But I suggest that they were still in bondage. After celebrating briefly, they murmured and complained every time they met challenges in life. They even wanted to go back to Egypt and had to spend 40 extra years wandering in the desert.

God provided for their every need, but they were not grateful for His care. Neither did their lives reflect the righteousness, peace, and joy that characterizes the kingdom of God. They remained in bondage after they were freed.

How much do we resemble the Israelites?

Freedom in Christ leads to righteous living, peace that passes understanding, and joy in daily life—even when things aren’t going our way. “It was for freedom that Christ set us free” (Gal. 5:1a). But are we truly free?

David prayed, “Bring my soul out of prison, so that I may give thanks to Thy name” (Ps. 142:7). David suggests that a lack of thankfulness is a sign that we are in prison. Do those around us see us as grateful? Are we joyful and at peace?

Maybe we need to look a little closer.

There is a disturbing difference between us and the bondage of former inmates. Much of their bondage is caused by laws as well as fears and prejudices of society, whereas the things that would keep us in bondage are mostly of our own making.

Heart issues such as unforgiveness, judgment, bitterness, pride, greed, and lack of love will keep us in bondage. Not to mention hidden sins, such as love of money and love of pleasure (gluttony, materialism, pornography, immorality, etc.). Anything we consistently choose over Christ can keep me in prison.

Jesus paid our debt so we can be free indeed. In Paul’s words, we need to “keep standing firm and do not be subject again to the yoke of slavery” (Gal.5:1b).

If we aren’t free, it is because of choices that we make. “The mind set on the flesh (our desires) is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace (i.e. freedom) (Rom. 8:6).

Where is our daily focus? Our choices are under our control.

We can put aside the things that bind us. “Therefore, …let us also lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Heb. 12:1).

Jesus said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” “If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed” (John 8:32, 36).

Search my heart, Oh, God, and reveal any sin that would keep me in bondage. Wash me clean, and help me to stand so I can be free ito run the race with endurance and freedom.

Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships