How to Forgive When It Is Difficult

Jesus said, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matt. 6:14-15).

Jesus spoke these words immediately after teaching His disciples to ask God to forgive “my” sins (transgressions) as I forgive those who sin against me. Knowing that if I don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive me is a convincing reason to forgive quickly.

But sometimes the wounds are deep and forgiveness is hard. If that’s where you are, choose to forgive, and ask the Lord for His help.

If forgiveness doesn’t seem to stick or if the pain hangs around, returns, or bitterness creeps in, then consider something I learned from Rich Gartrell as he prayed with somebody who lacked freedom in the Lord because of deep wounds that continued to haunt them.

He pointed out that there are three aspects of full forgiveness. (1) Forgive the person; (2) Forgive what the person did; and (3) Forgive the person for the consequences of their action(s).

1. Many times, with simple offenses, when you forgive the person, it’s a done deal. The air is cleared and all is well in the relationship.

2. However, if the dividing wall still stands, if you still feel the need to defend yourself or help them understand where they wronged you, more work needs to be done. In your heart, (out loud if it’ll help), forgive the person for what they did. If you judged them for their sin, name the sin. Be specific as you offer forgiveness.

3. If the wound is deep or if unforgiveness lingers, forgive the person for the consequences of their actions. Examples when this could, and probably would, be needed are cases of abuse that left feelings of shame, guilt, or worthlessness. It could also be from infidelity and/or desertion of a spouse that leaves lasting damage to the children. In both, the consequences are great and are lasting.

Often, after making the hard choice to forgive the perpetrator of these—and similar offenses—the unforgiveness pops back up when a consequence is obvious once again, or even from a memory. If and when that happens be sure all three steps of forgiving have been taken.

If you have forgiven the person, their actions, and the consequences and feelings of unforgiveness pops up again,

1. then declare, “Get behind me, Satan. I’ve forgiven ___. All he/she did is in the Lord’s hands now, so talk to Him.” or

2. then forgive again if needed—even to seventy times seven times (more than we can keep count of). After telling Peter that we’re to forgive seventy times seven times He told a parable about a master forgiving a slave, and the slave then refusing to forgive one who borrowed a smaller amount from him. When the master found out, he was angry and delivered him to torturers until he paid.

Jesus then closed with, “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses (Matt. 18:35).

Torturers are real, and they aren’t always in dungeons. They attack through doubts, and thoughts and feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, inadequacy and the list goes on. They also exhibit themselves in sleeplessness, arthritis, joint pain, autoimmune diseases, digestive issues, and more. And in emotional and relational issues such as anger, bitterness, fear, anxiety, need to control, and more.

Note: It’s not that these are always caused by unforgiveness, but doctors often say that many physical illnesses have a spiritual base, and unforgiveness is a source of bondage to torturers even today.

If your pain is so deep that forgiving the perpetrator is too difficult, and yet you want to obey the Lord and experience freedom from the bondage that it brings, release that person to Jesus. Include the things he/she did, and the consequences. You’ve carried the burden long enough. Would you trust it to Him? He’s willing to take it. Furthermore, He declared, “Vengence is mine.”

He loves you and wants you to be free. He’s powerful and just. He will carry it for you. Will you trust Him with the burden?

Then thank and praise Him for His goodness and love!

Why Forgive?

Because Jesus died on the cross, we are totally forgiven. He paid the price for our sins, so we can enjoy freedom and new life in Him. Without His forgiveness, we would be doomed to eternity in hell. With it we can enjoy intimate communion with Him. Forever.

As I celebrated Easter, I couldn’t help but notice the contrast between our world today and the benefits of Jesus’ gift to us. Unforgiveness abounds.

Name-calling, hatred, and personal destruction by targeted canceling are being used for self or agenda promotion. There seems to be no thought of seeking peace, much less forgiving. Instead it seems that animosity and hatred have spun out of control.

That’s sad, because holding unforgiveness and hatred is toxic. Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” He could have used “not forgiving” in place of “resentment.” It is poisonous to the one who drinks it.

Forgiving does not let the other person off the hook. Nor does it excuse a wrong or imply that an action was all right. Instead, forgiving someone hands that person over to the Lord for Him to deal with them. It transfers the burden and responsibility of justice from me to God.

The burden of holding a person until they “pay” for what they did—while in reality, they probably can never pay enough—robs the holder of peace and joy, and negatively impacts physical health.

Most importantly, not fully forgiving blocks our relationship with God. Furthermore, Jesus modeled forgiveness, and He told us to forgive.

While He was hanging on the cross, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Lk. 23:34). We are also told in 1 John that, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 Jn. 1:9).

If we follow Jesus and He has forgiven our sins, won’t we also follow His example and forgive others?

Peter struggled with this forgiveness thing. He asked Jesus, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” and Jesus answered, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt. 18:21-22). That’s serious forgiving.

(For the rest of the conversation, continue reading in Matthew18:23-35.)

Matthew 5:23-26 shows that strained earthly relationships damage our relationship with God. Jesus said, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

The verses that follow the Lord’s Prayer reinforce the message that we are to forgive. Jesus continued, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matt. 6:14-15).

It’s hard to misinterpret that. If we want God to forgive us, we need to forgive those who offend us.

We like the quote from Luke 6:38, “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” That verse makes us feel good when we put in our offering.

But, it isn’t just talking about giving money or even giving food to the poor. In context, Jesus is talking about forgiving. These words of receiving an abundance according to what you give follows immediately after words on judging, condemning, and forgiving. Jesus said, “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Lk. 6:37-38).

I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been wounded. We’ve all chosen to forgive. We’ve forgiven many people. Many times. Even some people many times—in spite of the fact that our sinful nature tempts us to hold grudges rather than forgive.. Our present culture reinforces the idea that we have a right to be resentful and to fight back.

However, the fact remains, if we want to experience righteousness, peace, and joy in Christ, we must choose to follow His example and forgive.

But, sometimes the wounds are deep and forgiveness is hard. At times, in spite of our efforts, forgiveness doesn’t seem to stick and the pain hangs around, returns, or bitterness creeps in.

If that’s where you are, consider the passages above and the importance of obeying what God asks of us. When you feel the weight lifted from your soul, you’ll be glad you did.

Tell the Lord you’re willing to forgive.

Ask for His help.

If needed tell Him you choose to forgive, speak words of forgiveness, and ask Him to make it real in your heart.

Also, check back. I’ll follow up with more on how to forgive.

Meanwhile, may the Lord bless you and give you faith, courage, and strength to obey as you seek to walk out your faith by forgiving those who trespass against you..

Who Controls Your Life?

Image result for image of a girl on a jet ski “Nobody should have control of another person the way that man took control over my life.” The conviction in Alex’s voice left no doubt that she was right.

Alex Otte was talking about the man that ran into her on July 2, 2007, when she was 13 years old. It was the end of a celebration day at the lake. Alex was on a jet ski, ready to ready to turn into the dock when she saw the boat speeding toward her. Following lake etiquette, she sat still, giving the boat clear passage on either side of her.

Then she watched as the boat came straight at her. It ran up her body, split the jet ski in two, flipped over above her and fell back on top of her.

Alex suffered shaken-baby syndrome causing multiple brain bleeds and was in a coma for two weeks. Her jaw was destroyed, her collarbone broken, her liver split, both femurs shattered, and her lower leg chewed up by the propeller.

She was not expected to live long enough to reach the hospital. And she wouldn’t have without numerous miraculous “coincidences”—such as parents trained in emergency response and trauma care, the transport helicopter was only ten minutes away, an adjacent field allowed the helicopter to land close by, and more.

Once at the hospital and stabilized, Alex was given just 24 hours to live, but she beat all odds. She’s now a sophomore in college and spoke at our Ladies Luncheon on Saturday.

She shared her story of surviving 8 surgeries in 7 days, difficulties of learning to deal with life as an amputee, and lingering short-term memory difficulties from head trauma. In spite of the odds, her determination to live enabled Alex to begin school with her classmates in August, just 2½ months after the accident. She was passionate and powerful as a speaker, but what impacted me most was her response to a question.

Image result for image of teen girl in hospital When asked what led her, a 13-year-old, to forgive her offender while still in the hospital, Alex answered without hesitation. “Nobody should have control of another person the way that man took control over my life. And I didn’t want him to control me any more. I wanted to live my own life fully. I forgave him so I could move on with my life.”

It was harder for her family to forgive and has been made even more difficult because the drunk who ran into her has never been prosecuted, in spite of the fact that he had a blood alcohol level several times the legal limit.

Alex shared that one family member has still not forgiven him, and “she freaks out about everything. But I don’t have a problem. I am free to live my life.”

I couldn’t help but wonder how many people are not free to live their lives, because they are still controlled by those who’ve hurt them. Sometimes the offender is someone close and their wound is very personal. It could be someone at work, or even nameless people with a different ideology and cultural background.

There are many opportunities in life to be upset, but it’s our choice how we deal with those situations. We can hang onto the hurt and seek justice, or we can forgive so that we can live our lives to the fullest.

Alex is now 19 years old and she mentors other young people who lose limbs, helping them to accept a new way of life. She speaks in schools all across the state. She works with Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) and is in constant communication with them. She has helped pass a state law concerning drunk drivers and is working with lawyers to craft a law concerning drunk boaters.

She is also a designated driver for many college friends when they choose to drink. All that and more on top of a full college schedule and two part time jobs. Alex said she is grateful for her trial because God is using it for good, and she believes He is not finished with her yet.

Giving up and seeking revenge would have been easy. Instead, Alex is living life to the fullest, because she forgave the man who could have destroyed her. She took control of her life.

Through Alex, I’m confronted with the question, “Who controls your life?”

Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships