Do You Experience Sudden Conflict over Minor Issues?

Conflict often erupts unexpectedly. A minor misunderstanding can lead to a caustic response with further back and forth. Before you know it, strife fills the air. Relationships are often strained and families destroyed over minor issues that escalate out of control.

I can’t stand to be in the midst of such a clash, but more often than I’d like to admit, I’m partly to blame for the escalation. It happens before I realize it. If someone pushes against me, I tend to push back. Pushing back increases the conflict.

The Lord called us to be peacemakers. With that in mind, years ago, I posted on the refrigerator a small cross-stitched reminder saying “A soft answer turns away wrath” (Pr. 15:1). I hoped it would help me control my responses when I was challenged or offended.

At the time I couldn’t tell that it helped me control my tongue, but it did keep me aware of the need. Consequently, I think the Lord has shown me a key to solving the problem. Maybe it will help prevent such conflicts as well helping to de-escalate once tensions are flaring.

In 1 Samuel 17 when David’s eldest brother, Eliab, heard David ask what the reward would be for killing Goliath, he became very angry. He asked why David came to the battle and suggested that David had deserted the sheep to come. He also accused him of being proud and insolent (1 Sam. 17:26-28). Eliab challenged David in front of other soldiers.

The normal response to such an attack would be to push back, to defend yourself, and set the record straight. Eliab’s comments were a textbook set-up for strife, but that didn’t happen. Instead, David’s response eventually led to David being taken before King Saul.

David simply asked Eliab, “What have I done now? Is there not a cause (or question)?” (1 Sam. 17:29) .David knew he was innocent of the charges, but he didn’t try to defend himself. Neither did he blame Eliab or try to tear him down. He didn’t push back.

Instead, he asked, “What have I done?” The literal translation of “Is there not a cause or question?” is , “Is it not a word?” or “Do we not have a word?”

David was referring to God’s word that He would be their provision and protection. In Genesis 15:1, God told Abraham, “I am your shield and your exceeding great reward.”

But David didn’t even wait for an answer. He then changed the subject and asked someone else what would happen to the one who killed Goliath.Those around him heard David’s comments as statements of faith.

He had experienced God as his shield. While watching the sheep, he had killed a lion and a bear. Because Goliath was uncircumcised—not in covenant with God—David knew God would protect him and give him victory. His confidence in the Lord also gave him peace when his big brother attacked. He didn’t let it distract him from the important matter at hand.

To David, it wasn’t about him. He was not deterred from the truth that God would deliver Israel from Goliath because Goliath was challenging the children of God.

When we stand up and fight for ourselves (or our opinion, the truth, etc.), we proceed into the fray on the assumption that it’s about us. We react as if we have to protect our reputation or have to fix what we perceive as the problem. Conflict within us—which leads to pushing back—is caused by our self-centeredness. Basically, we’re thinking too highly of ourselves—and possibly denying God and His commitment to be our shield and reward/provision.

Our efforts to have a soft answer will continue to fail as long as we see Self as the solution. In Philippians 2:3 Paul said, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

Likewise, when I had, “A soft answer turns away wrath” on the refrigerator, I was relying on Self-control to solve the problem.

Our normal vision is limited to our own perspective. We need the Lord’s help to look out for the interests of others and not have selfish ambition. We need to choose to humble ourselves, but we can’t change our hearts. We need God in all of life, even in learning to be lowly of mind so that we “esteem others better than” ourselves.

The answer is humility. Humility doesn’t elevate self. Humility trusts the fix to the Lord, and trusts Him to be our shield and our reward.

We have the perfect example to follow. Paul says it well.

“Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men, and being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross (Phil 2:5-8).

Jesus humbled Himself. He gave up equality and reputation and chose instead to be a bondservant.

Are you tired of conflict and tension over minor issues? The answer is humility.

Jesus said we’re to take up our cross daily to follow Him (Lu. 9:23).. In other words, we take up an instrument of death. We die. Every day. We die to self-defense, and selfish ambition. When we are dead to self, it is not difficult to consider others as more important than we are

The good news is, as we die to self, the conflicts will decrease.

The really good news is that the Almighty God will reward us accordingly.

Because Jesus humbled Himself, “God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, . . . and every tongue confess Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Phil. 2:9-11)

If our goal is peace instead of conflict, and we choose to follow Jesus’ example to reach that goal, we won’t be exalted like Jesus, but our reward will be greater than we can imagine.

Are You Listening?

Image result for image of listening ears Listening? I’m tired of listening. I’m tempted to block some people because their pressure for me to conform to their way of thinking wears me out. Protests, shouting, and strong language make me want to close my ears and turn my back.

Even people with compatible viewpoints try my patience when they push hard and feel manipulative, as they try to force their opinion or agenda.

Force. That’s the problem. When someone pushes me, I want to push back, or to turn away.

Either reaction deepens the divide. Whether between individuals, political parties, or nations, pushing widens the schism.

In the political world, protests have become the means of communication, with name-calling, fact-twisting, and fear mongering used as weapons of war. Deeper divides are the fruit of such tactics. It doesn’t bring peace any better than a husband and wife screaming and yelling at each other. It only leads to deeper hurt and a wider rift.

Healing, peace, and unity come from laying the “anti” sentiments aside and settling down to really hear the other side. True listening seeks to identify hurts, fears, dreams, and goals of the other person.

The problem often stems from opposing ideologies and goals, but compromise is impossible without real dialogue. Indeed, influencing the opponent to change is also impossible if we maintain an us-versus-them attitude, where our goal is to defeat them rather than to work together.

Paul Tournier, a Swiss physician, and author of To Understand Each Other, said, “Listen to all the conversations of our world, those between nations as well as those between couples. They are for the most part dialogues of the deaf. Exceedingly few exchanges of viewpoints manifest a real desire to understand the other person. No one can find a full life without feeling understood at least by one person. Misunderstood, he loses his self-confidence, he loses his faith in life, or even in God.”

I would add, “Misunderstood, he fights harder to be heard and to be understood.” When both sides feel misunderstood, the fight intensifies. Furthermore, the ability to hear diminishes, decreasing the effectiveness of all the effort put into being heard and understood.

Proverbs sums it up well. “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Prov. 18:13). You might say, “He who yells and screams to be heard (without first hearing the other side) is wasting his breath. His efforts are futile and lead only to shame.”

In fact, the result often leads to negative results. Proverbs 15:1 states that “a harsh word stirs up anger,” whereas “a soft answer turns away wrath.”

Do you want to dial down the anger and soften the rhetoric. Remember that “a soft answer turns away wrath.”

Softer, kinder rhetoric would be nice, but peace and working together in unity would be even better.

We probably won’t find that until the other side knows we’ve heard them and that we care. A soft answer, rather than anger, on our part is a good start, but we need to listen to what they’re saying.

If we don’t make an effort to listen, we will continue to have dialogs of the deaf, where nobody pays attention to the other side. We will continue to be isolated and alienated.

Listening doesn’t mean agreement in every case, but sometimes it leads to a point at which there is agreement. It does mean that I lay aside my agenda long enough to seek understanding and to show respect and caring for the other person.

Ask, “Can you help me understand?” and “In addition to that, is there anything else?” If they know they’ve been heard, they’ll be more open to hear you.

Until that happens, how will we ever be able to work together rather than spend all our energy fighting?

By listening, you can make a difference.

Listening says, “I care. You are important. Your hopes, fears and opinions matter because you matter.”

Are you listening?

Finding Peace in the Midst of Conflict

Are you as tired of discord and a combative attitude as I am? I’m weary of exaggerations, name-calling, and lies to put others down and gain advantage. I hoped after the election we would find a measure of peace, it hasn’t happened. In fact, it seems more discordant because our very system of government is being challenged when it’s time to seek unity.

What is a Christian to do? How do you find peace in the midst of conflict and strife?

Sticking my head in the sand by fasting the news is tempting, but I haven’t resorted to that yet, because I feel like I can pray more specifically if I’m informed.

However, I’m beginning to doubt that it helps my pray. Watching news disturbs my peace.

The hostility, lack of civility and respect, and the open war on authority remain shocking. It seems we’ve lost our moors as a nation, and maybe as a world.

Where are we headed? More importantly, what can we do? How can we maintain our peace and hope in the midst of the uncertainty and strife?

We need to First, know that the Lord God is sovereign. He is the ruler of heaven and earth, and He is firmly in control. He’s not surprised or overwhelmed by our circumstances. I believe He allowed it to draw us to Himself.

In the Old Testament, time after time the children of God turned their backs on the Lord and their nation suffered strife and destruction. Many times, God warned that it would happen long before it did, such as telling Abraham that his children would be enslaved for hundreds of years.

Later, Jeremiah was used to warn of the destruction of Jerusalem and captivity of the people. God allowed it and through it all, He worked out His plan. He used the hard times for good.

In fact, He told us that, “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28).

We can maintain peace in the midst of conflict through resting in Him as He works His purposes out.

Second, we need to seek Him in the midst of the chaos. Any report we hear tells only part of the story. Consequently, we don’t fully understand anything that is happening, and we likely only have one side of the story.

Therefore, we need to be careful that we “trust in the Lord with all [our hearts], And lean not on [our] own understanding; in all [our] ways acknowledge Him, [so that He can] direct [our] paths (Prov. 3:5-6).

If we heed our own understanding, we’ll likely make a fool of ourselves and add to the confusion, if not to the strife.

However, if each of us obediently follows the Lord, He will guide. Like an orchestra, we’ll be assigned various parts and play at differing times for different effects. But if we’re following the same director, it will be pleasant, harmonious, and will accomplish His purpose.

Third, listen to God. Seek Him in His Word. Philippians 4 offers good advice that has guided me when I’m tempted to straighten somebody out. It also gives a couple of guidelines for maintaining peace in the midst of conflict. Through it, I’m learning to represent God and find peace.

^“4Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!

⁵ Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.

⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy– meditate on these things.

⁹ The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you” (Phil. 4:4-9).

May we all learn to follow these precepts, and experience His life and peace–even in the midst of turmoil and strife.

How to Choose Your Battles

I began my study with anger thinking I didn’t have a problem with it. I knew I got angry occasionally, but didn’t realize how often or how destructive my ager was. However, when I did a study to help others, I realized that I had a big problem with anger. I had just rationalized it because most of the time it was expressed quietly rather than exploding.

Another thing I learned was that most of the times that I got angry, I thought I was irritated or frustrated—and I was–but those around me experienced anger from me. I discovered that calling anger by a more acceptable name doesn’t make it less destructive.

Looking a little deeper, I realized that much of my anger (frustration, irritation?) was over minor issues that didn’t matter at all. I got irritated over things that weren’t going my way, like having my favorite food ruined by a spice I didn’t like, or having to stop to explain something when I’m ready to run out the door, or a child tracking on the floor, and so forth. Little things.

They are little things that impact my preference or agenda. Maybe they disturb my comfort or sense of well-being—but for how long?

I saw that much of my anger stemmed from my focus on me. I see the world from my eyes, my life, my past, my desires and If I’m not careful, I expect things to go my way. When they don’t, I tend to react.

It’s pointless to waste energy and strain relationships on little things. I needed to choose my battles.

God used James to help me adjust my perspective.

In James 4:14, we’re told that we are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. If I’m just a vapor, how important are those irritations that bother me today and then vanish like a vapor? Are they worth a reaction that can lead to conflict?

Some things matter for eternity. They are worth taking a stand for—but even in important matters, anger is generally not the best approach to get positive results.

Most things that tempt me to anger are just a vapor in my day, much less my life. They aren’t worth the energy spent on anger, much less the tension and conflict that is a likely result.

When angered, it helps me choose my battles if I stop and ask if those irritants matter. If I remember that I am just a vapor, most irritants become insignificant, and the temptation to anger vanishes like a vapor.

Replace Conflict and Strife with Grace and Peace

Is bickering, conflict and strife threatening to destroy your marriage? Your family? Your job? A close relationship?

Don’t let strife tear apart important relationships. You can make a difference toward positive change. “Turn away from evil and do good; …seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11).

How? How do you turn from strife and seek peace when conflict erupts in your face?

For years we’ve heard that we need to count to ten before saying anything, but Jesus’ instructions are much more effective. He said, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye”(Mt. 7:5).

It’s natural to focus on what others are doing wrong, but if we get angry at the other person before first searching our own hearts for unrighteousness, we are hypocrites. (Jesus said it, not me.)

When I ask God to show me if there is any unrighteousness in me, He’s always faithful!

Furthermore, I often find that the thing that upsets me about the other person is lurking in my heart as well.

Am I upset because it seems:

They are trying to control me? . . . I’m angry because I want to be in control.
They are being insensitive and only thinking of themselves? . . . So am I.
They are judging me. . . . I’m guilty of the same.
They said something mean. . . . I didn’t say it, but I had mean thoughts too.

Look past your actions. What attitudes are in your heart? Do they reflect the mercy and grace of the Lord? Is your heart in line with the conditions of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13?

The log in your own eye may be ugly. You may find deep issues of unforgiveness, bitterness, and judgment. You may not like it.

But you’ll love the freedom, peace, and joy you get if you take those findings (logs) to the Lord and ask His forgiveness for your own shortcomings.

When you do that, amazing things happen in a relationship that was strained. Most of the time, strife will be avoided. Even if the conflict is not totally settled, you will have a measure of faith and peace in the midst of it. You will have more grace to deal with the other person and the situation.

After all, while taking the log out of your own eye, you’re dealing with unrighteousness in your heart. As you remove the hindrance in your relationship with God, you clear the way to receive more of His grace. As you receive more of His grace, all of life will be richer and sweeter.

(1 Peter 3:11).

How? How do you turn from strife and seek peace when conflict erupts in your face?

For years we’ve heard that we need to count to ten before saying anything, but Jesus’ instructions are much more effective. He said, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye”(Mt. 7:5).

It’s natural to focus on what others are doing wrong, but if we get angry at the other person before first searching our own hearts for unrighteousness, we are hypocrites. (Jesus said it, not me.)

When I ask God to show me if there is any unrighteousness in me, He’s always faithful!

Furthermore, I often find that the thing that upsets me about the other person is lurking in my heart as well.

Am I upset because it seems:

They are trying to control me? . . . I find I react in angry because I want to be in control.

They are being insensitive and only thinking of themselves? . . . So am I.

They are judging me. . . . I’m guilty of the same.

They said something mean. . . . Maybe I didn’t say it, but I thought something mean too.

Look past your actions. What attitudes are in your heart? Do they reflect the mercy and grace of the Lord? Is your heart in line with the conditions of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13?

What you find when you identify the log in your own eye may be ugly. You may find deep issues of unforgiveness, bitterness, and judgment. You may not like it.

But you’ll love the freedom, peace, and joy you get if you take those findings to the Lord and ask His forgiveness for your own shortcomings.

After all, by taking the log out of your own eye, you’re dealing with unrighteousness in your heart. As you remove the hindrance in your relationship with God, you clear the way to receive more of His grace. As you receive more of His grace and all of life will be richer and sweeter.

Holding On To Anger

Two birds battled in our driveway. The beak of one clamped firmly on the leg of the other. The captured bird wrestled frantically to break loose. They jerked, thrashed, and rolled as each fought to gain advantage.

I spotted the birds as I was leaving to run an errand. The birds blocked my path for almost ten minutes. I finally slowly rolled forward. When my front tire was about a foot from them, the assailant finally released its grip, and the two birds flew away, free.

The battle reminded me of a time my husband, Robert, and I struggled. We looked like those birds. Conflict threatened to destroy our marriage as we thrashed and tumbled, trying to gain advantage. At every turn, one—usually both—of us was hurt. I thought the emotional bumps and would never cease and bruises never heal.

Struggles in relationships are often lengthened because, like the birds, neither gives in. We hold on, refusing to let go. We don’t realize that as long as we maintain our grip, we are trapping ourselves too. We’re wounded along with the one we won’t release.

The Key to Peace

Throughout my struggle with Robert, I never guessed that I held the key to stopping the conflict. Freedom finally came after I realized I was holding onto Robert’s leg through judgment. My judgment had destroyed the peace and joy we once knew.

Where the Conflict Began

The conflict began when I didn’t approve of a decision Robert made and was afraid our family would suffer. My fear led me to be too forceful when we first talked about my concerns. Consequently, nothing changed. Later, even as I tried to be respectful and supportive, I was thinking, “you shouldn’t be doing that,” and “You ought to . . .” I held him by the leg with my shoulds and oughts and continued to judge his decisions.

However, I was blinded by my fear of the consequences we might suffer from his choices. I wasn’t aware of my judgment.

Robert’s Side of the Story

Meanwhile, it felt to Robert like I didn’t respect him and like he couldn’t do anything right. Even when I didn’t say anything, he sensed my underlying judgment. It was hard for him to hear God because he was overwhelmed by fear of my reactions.

A Vicious Circle

As the conflict continued, my greatest concern was Robert’s lack of seeking the Lord. How could we expect God’s blessing if we didn’t seek His direction? What I didn’t realize was that I was in the way. I was standing between my husband and God. He was so afraid of my reaction that he couldn’t find the Lord.

God’s Truth

Jesus said, “Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you” (Mat 7:1-2 ). As long as I remained judgmental against my husband, I felt judged by him because he didn’t seem to listen to anything I said. The consequences of my judgment were worse than those from his decisions. For months, we scrambled like two birds in the driveway.

Freedom from Strife!

When I released Robert from my shoulds and oughts and trusted God to work out His purposes, Robert and I were both freed. He was free to hear God, and we found peace with God and with each other.

It doesn’t matter who we struggle with. Instead of holding on, we need to release people and circumstances into God’s hands. After all, He is the judge. When we act as judge, we are acting as god.

“Therefore you are without excuse every man of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another, you condemn yourself, for you who judge practice the same things” (Rom. 2:1 ).

Learn More

Jesus said, “judge with righteous judgment” in John 7:24, and “Do not judge lest you be judged” in Matthew 7:1. How do you reconcile these seemingly opposing Scriptures? Find the answer in the free e-book, The Judgment Trap.

Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships