Are you tired of fighting anger? Do you think you’re doing pretty well and you suddenly speak harshly and discover attitudes that aren’t pleasing to God—or to you?

That happened to me this week. Twice. The second time, it wasn’t just Robert and me; there were witnesses, making my harsh words all the more grievous to me.

Both times, it was over very minor things, simple misunderstandings in the midst of a lot of stress. Suddenly, an ugly attitude showed itself through harsh, impatient words.

In Ephesians 4:22, we’re told to put off our “former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts.” I put it off, only to have it crop up again. I put on the new, only to find myself doing things I don’t want to do—things from the old self.

This passage holds two keys that helped me see why the old man keeps showing his ugly face.

First, in Greek, the word for put off implies continuing action. It isn’t a do-it-and-it’s-done word. We are to keep putting off the old man. It needs to be done daily, over and over—as in crucify it, “take up your cross daily” (Lu. 9:23). The Lord knew the old man would keep popping up when He told us to put it off. His word to us is to keep on putting it off.

Consequently, we shouldn’t be surprised when we have to put it off again. In fact, we should expect that to be the case. Second, in Ephesians 4:22, we’re told we’re to put off “the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts.” Our clue is in the word lusts. The ugly attitudes, words, and actions grow out of our lusts, the things (including actions and situations) we want for ourselves.

When things aren’t going our way, and we get bent out of shape, it’s because our deceitful lusts are directing our response. We often deceive ourselves into believing that our way is the only way, or the best way. When we have that attitude, the old man arises. We then discount the other person rather than showing respect and listening to him.

If we want peace, we need to regularly put off the old man, to put away old-man conduct. Instead of impatient words, we need to be sensitive to the other person and speak words which are “good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers” (Eph. 4:29).

Jesus said that “the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart” (Matt. 12:34). Therefore, if we want to speak words of life, we need a heart that is new, so we keep putting off the old man. We will then have words of grace for those around us.

I’d like to blame Robert for the little misunderstandings that trip me up, but I need to get rid of my old man before I can point the finger at him.