Steps to Restore Broken Relationships
Recently, two different people have asked, “What can I do to mend a relationship with a relative when I don’t know of anything I’ve done wrong?”
In both cases, the questioners had no idea what they had done wrong, but people close to them won’t even greet them when they accidentally meet in a crowd.
They have tried without success to follow God’s Word in 2 Corinthians 13:11, “Be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” They have failed to find peace with a loved one.
How do you be reconciled, when the other person won’t even speak to you? The pain won’t quit. My friends keep asking, “What did I do?” and “What can I do?” even though others assure them the problem isn’t their fault.
When close relationships are broken, what can you do?
- First, ask God to search your heart. If He shows you where you might have caused offense, make things right with Him. You might also ask a mature friend for counsel, one who is forthright enough to point out anything they think could be a problem. If you have done something that could cause offense, repent, and get right with God.
- Pray for the other person and ask the Lord to provide an opportunity to speak with them. Only God can touch a heart. They wouldn’t be acting as they are if there weren’t something deep going on in them. Even if their thinking isn’t reasonable, their feelings are deep enough to lock them up. If you try to make something happen before they’re ready, your efforts will be in vain. Be patient. Wait and pray for God’s time.
- Forgive them. The pain you are experiencing is real. A speaker I heard in the 1980s—when I was suffering because of a broken relationship—said emotional pain is the worse kind, causing deeper hurt more than physical pain. If you don’t forgive that person, the pain will continue to plague you. Forgive, if you want freedom in your heart.
- If possible, reach out to them. If you approach them sincerely, as a broken person (such as, “The Lord showed me that I’ve been proud and insensitive. Would you forgive me?”), the change in your attitude could open the door for restoration of the relationship. If that isn’t productive, . . .
- Give the relationship over to God. And leave it there. Wait for Him to open the door and show you what to do. Pray about any interaction with them, even whether to send birthday cards and such, but try to act toward them normally and positively. If they close their hearts to God, He will give you peace and faith to trust Him, even while the relationship is not yet restored.
- Take Steps Toward Restoration. Maintain the attitude and goal represented in 1 Peter 3:8-9, “Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.”
- Maintain a gracious and loving attitude. Don’t respond in the same closed spirit, which will lead to an evil for evil relationship. Be genuine but positive in any dealings with the person or any talk about them with other people.
- Bless Them. Ask the Lord to show you how to specifically bless that person–in a way that will be a blessing to them. Until He gives you an idea of something special, one way to bless them is to daily pray for God to bless them. I worked hard for three days cleaning a house during a crisis for one friend–and the relationship was miraculously restored because of my serving. Another time, I made a cross-stitch picture for someone and prayed for him as I worked on it.
Even if the giving of a blessing doesn’t immediately restore the relationship, it will free you to be patient and wait on the Lord. Meanwhile, you will experience joy and peace from knowing you obeyed God. The cross-stitch gift did not immediately restore the relationship, but it freed me from the deep pain, and a year or so later the relationship was restored.
If you follow these steps, you will be laying the foundation for restoring the relationship by showing the love of Christ.Even if you don’t see a change in the relationship, the Lord will bless you for blessing them.
God calls us to peace and unity, so if we walk in His way and seek Him in the process, we can trust that He will work with us to achieve His–and our–goal of restored relationships.