How to Respond Biblically When Offended – Part 2
Today my blog will give further answer to Chris’s question, “What would be practical responses that would be biblical and appropriate when you are offended by others? . . . For instance, if a friend, husband, relative, etc. says something hurtful to you out of the blue, how should a person respond so it’s biblical? Is it ok to let them know that they hurt your feelings in a gentle way?”
First, I’d like to ask, why do you want to respond to the offense? To show them that they are wrong? For defense? Self protection? To save your reputation? To make them stop hurting you? To make them understand you?
You need to ask that question each time you want to respond to an offense. If you are doing it for a self-centered motive, you will probably make matters worse—no matter how gentle you try to be. If you motives are pure, and you are broken before speaking with them, it might be of value to do so.
There are two situations where I think it could be biblical to talk with someone who offended you through something they said.
However, first, you need a clean heart before God. You need to be broken—brought to the place that you care so much about God being glorified that you are willing to be vilified, as Jesus was on the cross. I can’t emphasize how important this step is.
- Forgive the person who offended you. Really forgive, so when you think about the offense, you don’t get a knot in your stomach.
- Determine why their words hurt. What within you is tender or vulnerable that made the comment offensive? Pride? A previous hurt? Insecurity? And so forth. Take it to God. Ask for healing and that His strength be known in your weakness.
- Ask the Lord to reveal any words or actions on your part that may have led to the offensive words. If you are even a little guilty, come clean before God.
- Forgive the other person again. And again. And again, if need be.
- Do business with God to get a clear conscious and a clear attitude toward the offender.
- Seek the Lord for your needed affirmation. He made you–fearfully and wonderfully. He loves you—uncondionally. He died for you, has promised to be with you, and so forth.
- Ask the Lord to fill you with love toward that person. When your heart feels sweet toward them, it’s safe to go to them.
The goal is to be right with God, not to check off the list. If you go through the checklist without sincerely interacting with the Lord, your heart will not be cleansed and your offender will likely react negatively to you.
Furthermore, if your heart is not broken and the conversation with the offender does not go smoothly, your heart will likely betray you (i.e. you’ll probably react in angry). It’s better to wait at least a day after the offense. That will allow their emotions to settle and give you time to do business with God.
First, address the offender about your pain for your sanctification—to right a wrong that you have done.
- Go to them, share that what they said hurt, but the Lord showed you that the reason it hurt was because there was some truth to it/or sin in your heart/or that your actions were not godly, etc.. Then share the thing God revealed that was wrong in your actions or in your heart. Ask forgiveness for your part in the tension. Share that you value the relationship and don’t want things like that to be in the way.
- If you don’t know what you did, ask if you have offended them (ex. When you said, “. . .” I got the impression that I’ve offended you. I value your friendship and don’t want to cause separation. Can you tell me what I did/said that offended you?”)
- Listen. Step in the other person’s shoes and try to understand from their perspective. Don’t defend. Don’t explain. I repeat. Listen. Do not explain or defend yourself.
- Even if you have been misunderstood, ask forgiveness for (causing them pain/the wrong you did/the self-centered attitude, . . . whatever). Be sincere. Be grieved over the hurt they experienced. Don’t pretend just to make them happy. If needed, seek forgiveness for your actions. At least ask forgiveness for the pain/offense they felt.
- If you’re at peace, with no anger toward them, explain the misunderstanding WITHOUT finger-pointing, blaming them, or defending yourself. Take the blame/responsibility for the misunderstanding.
- When Jesus took up the cross, He was totally innocent, but He said nothing in His defense. If you want to resolution and healing in the relationship, take up your cross and follow his example.
A second reason to bring up an offense is to strengthen a close relationship—i.e. to tighten the bond. If you come from different backgrounds, the other person may be clueless that particular comments cause you pain unless you tell him/her.
The only way to become as one, is to understand each other. For that to happen you need to communicate what you’re feeling. In very close relationships, such as between spouses, misunderstandings sometimes need to be discussed in order to avoid more strife in the future. (Note: sometimes, not every time.)
The purpose of talking about the offense is to build the relationship. When the association is close, it is even more important to go through the steps above: identify your part of the misunderstanding, your place of vulnerability, fully forgive, and fully find God’s grace
Do not broach the subject until your heart is sweet toward the person and you desire for God to be glorified and the relationship to be strengthened more than you desire to be right or understood. (Seek understanding, but be aware it will probably take several times of talking through things and a span of time to learn to see from a foreign perspective.)
When seeking understanding with someone close:
- Follow the guidelines above.
- Be gentle, but don’t force it. Let your gentleness flow from love and peace which flow from the throne of God.
- Take responsibility “I’m sensitive in this area.” “It hurt because there was truth to it. . .” “I know my problem is my pride…” Acknowledge that it was an offense because of problems within you.
- State the facts. Don’t point the finger at them. Don’t imply “you did wrong,” but say, “when you said, “…,” I reacted, because (take personal responsibility).”
- Ask your spouse/family/friend to pray for you that the Lord would (heal you from the hurt, transform your heart—removing pride or whatever, and so forth), and help you not react in the future.
For example, “I know I’m sensitive in this area, so I’m not blaming you, but when you said something about me eating the whole thing, that hurt. I know I’m not fat any more, but I’m still really sensitive in that area because I was teased so much. It hurt even more because other people heard it. It’s not a really big thing , but it would help me if you wouldn’t make comments about my eating—especially in public.” (Note: Even if it felt huge, in view of eternity, it isn’t a big thing.)
The example is specific for one situation, but it illustrates taking personal responsibility without blaming.
The guidelines are generalities and will not fit in every situation, but I hope you hear that the important thing is to have a heart that is right before God. Just as important is to be led by the Spirit as to when it’s time to be quiet and not take account of an offense and when it’s time to address it.
If it’s time to be quiet, the only way to be at peace within is if you go through the steps above to give it to God and trust it into His hands—taking personal responsibility and forgiving the offender.
I am wired for trouble in this area. I instinctively believe you need to address things when there is offense and disagreement. I want to be understood. More than that, I like for relationships to be clear, and I want to talk it out when they’re not. However, I’ve learned through bloody interactions (figuratively speaking) that the more strongly I feel the need to straighten things out, the more surely I need to stay quiet—unless I want things to blow up in my face.
When I come to a place where I can say, “God, if You want me to say something, You make it clear.”–and I leave it in His hands–the results are amazing. Sometimes I totally forget about it. The pain is gone and the memory vanishes. However, sometimes the Lord supernaturally opens the door and the conversation that ensues is always healing and redemptive.
That is really not surprising, because the Lord wants love and peace between us more than we do. Furthermore, when I get out of the way, He can work.
If we commit our way to the Lord, and trust in Him, He will do it” (Psalm 37:5).
When you are offended by what someone said, how do you respond?
If you are frequently offended by a particular individual, there is a good chance you are caught in a judgment trap. Judgment within a relationship sends it on a downward evil-for-evil spiral that is difficult to escape. Learn how to break free through the free e-book, The Judgment Trap.
Stay tuned. Next week I will answer another question concerning whether or not it is good to be angry at the things in the world today that God would be angry about.