Finding Peace When Hidden Anger Churns
A gift in the mail torpedoed me.
I didn’t want it. I didn’t care what it was, and I didn’t want to open it.
I would have just left it, but Robert opened it for me.
He also read the plaque to me, “In Recognition For Your Commitment To . . .”
I had been committed and had been faithful, even after things started veering from our original purpose. I was committed when I became part of the unheeded minority. I remained faithful when needs at home made it difficult to attend. Yes, I was committed.
In addition, I did what I could to work together peacefully when disagreements arose.
I even stayed committed when I was bullied in front of the whole group, even though most of the accusations leveled at me were in response to what someone else said. Even though nobody stood up for me.
I told myself it wasn’t my problem. After all, I already knew the bully had a short fuse when he didn’t get his way. I forgave him and put it behind me.
Shortly afterward, when I was bullied once again—through e-mail that was copied to the whole group—forgiving and putting it behind me was more difficult.
It wasn’t easy, but I was careful to not return evil for evil. I gave a blessing instead, according to 1 Peter 3:8.
I know the cost of holding anger. I know the damage done by not forgiving. So, I forgave.
And I forgave again. And again. I reasoned that it was not a personal attack, it came from a difference in opinions—and values.
I gave it to the Lord–repeatedly. I even prayed that the Lord would bless my attacker and the others who stood by.
I did what I could to put it behind me. I was fine. Furthermore, I wouldn’t need to see the bully anymore. I could move on.
Move on, I did.
Then I got this gift in the mail.
It wasn’t even from the bully. It was from the organization I had served, but it worked like a spotlight from God, showing me that I wasn’t fine. Not at all.
I was fooling myself with a plastic fantastic. Hurt, resentment, and anger were buried in the corners of my heart. They were still alive. And churning.
I had gone through the motions of forgiving, blessing, and moving on, but the work was not finished yet.
It’s still not finished. I still have a negative response when I see that gift on the shelf. On the shelf where Robert put it. I haven’t claimed it and found a rightful place for it yet.
But, I’m getting there. I’m making progress. Healing began when I admitted the hurt and welcomed the gift as a gift from God—a spotlight on unfinished business.
Now, every time I see the gift, I forgive again. I pray for the bully and for others who stood by without saying anything in my defense. “With the Lord as my helper, . . . what shall man do to me? I have no reason to fear” (Heb. 13:6). And I have no reason to stay hurt and angry.
If I had not received a gift to reveal the deception in my heart, my transgression would have grown, infecting other relationships.
However, I can have peace, “because of the tender mercy of our God, with which [the Lord] shall visit [me], to shine upon [me when I’m] in darkness . . ., to guide [my] feet into the way of peace” (Luke 1:76-79).
He will lead me to still waters and restore my soul.
Have you had a time when you thought you had moved on, only to find that unresolved issues were hiding in your heart?