Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships

The Black Spot

A recent conversation reminded me of a season when life seemed filled with struggles. My relationship with my daughter was a constant challenge. She was a teen, cute as a button, had a lot going for her, and was a joy to others. But we couldn’t relate. We had regular bouts of tension, and constant misunderstandings. It seemed we spoke different languages, resulting in frequent conflict.

One night as I went to bed, troubled about what would happen with our daughter and wondering what was wrong with me as a mother. I asked God to help us move through this difficult phase in our relationship.

During the night, I had one of those half-awake dreams.

There was a big, solid white sheet hanging on a wall. It had a spot on it. It wasn’t big, only an inch or two across. But it was black, solid black. The sharp contrast with the white background made it show up.

As I was looking at the sheet, a quiet, gentle voice asked, “What do you see.”

That was easy. I saw a black spot. I looked more closely, wondering what I was suppose to see about it. It was basically round and there was nothing distinctive about it. It was just there. Obviously there, right in the middle of the sheet.

The quiet voice said, “That’s how you see your daughter.”

My view broadened, and I saw it. The sheet. It almost covered the wall. The big, clean, white sheet had one little black spot.

And all I saw was the spot.

That’s how I saw my daughter.

I was so focused on the spot that I didn’t see the beautiful white expanse all around it. I didn’t see all the good qualities that others enjoyed about my daughter. All I saw was the spot. A spot that I had no spot remover for.

No wonder there was tension and stress. No wonder she didn’t feel she could do anything right.

I realized that the longer I looked at the spot, the longer it would remain—and the bigger it would grow. I couldn’t fix it. And neither could she as long as I focused on it.

But when I looked at the whole picture, that little spot wasn’t so significant after all. The problem was mine.

God said to think on things that are lovely and of good repute (Phil. 4:8-9). Not on the black spots. As I was able to appreciate and praise the positive things in my daughter, our relationship began to turn. The Lord’s spot remover does the trick—when I stay out of the way.

Have you struggled with seeing the good in someone else because of a small something that bothered you? How did it affect your relationship?

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