Is Fear Threatening to Sabotage Your Relationships?
We all have fears.
Some of them are healthy. Fear of fire, fast-moving vehicles, and falling from great heights creates caution and keeps us safe.
Some fears are debilitating, and limit our lives, such as fear of taking tests, of flying, or of water.
Other fears often go unnoticed, lurking in our subconscious. But they can erupt unexpectedly and destroy relationships.
I’ve become aware of such a fear lately. Some people I love are in the midst of complicated and intense conflict. Because of my relationship with them, I’ve become involved and am hoping to be part of bringing resolution and restoration of fellowship.
Recently, I found myself alarmed at the response from one of the individuals. I then became agitated. I couldn’t sleep and had a hard time remaining calm and neutral. In fact, while in a meeting to plan toward resolution, I spoke more harshly than I intended and said a couple of things that were not helpful in bringing closure.
After a couple of days, I realized that my agitation began with fear. I feared that the people involved weren’t seeing the whole picture. Furthermore, I thought that if their understanding weren’t adjusted, it could be disastrous. Alarm, agitation, and a sense of urgency arose out of my fear.
I desperately wanted to get my point across in order to avoid negative consequences. That led to reduced clarity of thinking, a quickness to react to what others said, and harshness or hardness in my tone a couple of times.
Fortunately, in this case, we had a civil discussion.
However, broken relationships often develop from this kind of scenario. Someone in the relationship reacts internally because of an unrecognized fear. Then others retort in response to the reaction. And suddenly it has escalated out of control.
If we can identify our fear and face it, it will help to change the dialogue and find resolution.
One time Robert said or did something that I reacted to. It was a minor “infraction”, so I forgave him and tried putting it behind me. However, I kept thinking about it all day. Furthermore, I suddenly didn’t fully trust him, put up a wall, and couldn’t seem to take it down. (I don’t remember what he said or did, but I feared the implications for our family.)
I didn’t like the separation I was creating between us. But I couldn’t get beyond it, so at the end of the day, I shared my struggle with Robert and asked him to pray for me. Rather than prayer, his first response was, “What are you afraid of?”
Within seconds, I identified the fear and was instantly free. The wall was down, and I no longer felt he was untrustworthy. In fact, I made a 180 degree turn. I felt grateful for Robert and was drawn to him.
Sometimes the fear needs to be discussed to find resolution, but not always. When you do need to talk it out, it’s much more productive to discuss the foundational issue of fear than to get into you-said-I-said disputes.
Most of the time, discussion is not even needed. Once you identify the fear, you can see that it will be a simple matter for the Lord to handle. You can give it to Him and trust Him with the outcome.
Have you discovered fear as the source of conflict in any of your relationships or in those you’re involved in?
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