7 Answers to the Question, “Is Anger Good?”
Short term anger can be good for relationships according to a recent study done by Florida State University.
Recommended techniques for how to manage anger change frequently. Things once advised, like taking your anger out on a pillow, are later discouraged after studies show they are not effective. Those struggling with anger can pick and choose which theory to follow.
One of the recent trends recommended forgiveness as the solution for mending relationships. However, researchers at Florida State University have recently concluded that “forgive and forget” is not always effective.
They say, “It is not always best to forgive and forget in your marriage, sometimes it is okay to let out the anger bottled-up inside you!”
They go on to say that forgiveness can have negative results, because when you forgive someone who has been wrong, if they are disagreeable, they are more likely to offend again. On the other hand, if you remain angry, it communicates that the behavior is unacceptable, and thus can lead to change and a long-term improvement in the relationship.
I haven’t read the full study, so I can’t address it specifically, but from the summary, it seems their conclusions are similar to others in the field of psychology. Consequently, the points I am making may not clearly answer the Florida State study. However, they are in response to the study as I understand it, and they address other opinions being expressed.
Their reasoning sounds logical on the surface, but I question several things in their thinking.
1. They seem to link forgiveness with forgetting.
Forgetting is not a necessary part of forgiving. If we forgive, the pain diminishes and the desire to get even leaves, but we don’t necessarily forget.
For example, in a case of infidelity and it is impossible to forget the betrayal. Trust is broken and is slow to rebuild because the memory remains. If forgetting is part of forgiving, it would be possible to trust immediately, once you forgive.
Furthermore, when we are offended and forgive, we hopefully become wiser through the experience. If we forget, what wisdom have we gained?
2. They seem to assume that forgiveness wipes out the possibility of communicating disapproval of a behavior or having consequences for bad behavior.
If words don’t communicate that a behavior is unacceptable, consequences can.
When we sin and then repent, God fully forgives us. However, being forgiven doesn’t necessarily erase the consequences of bad choices we made. The same is true in earthly relationships; consequences can be imposed even when forgiveness is given.
In the example of infidelity, distrust is a natural consequence that remains after forgiveness is offered. Because trust is broken, imposed requirements for openness with emails and cell phone records until trust is rebuilt is a logical consequence that would communicate that infidelity will not be tolerated. It would also work toward rebuilding the relationship.
It is possible for true forgiveness to erase consequences, but it is not part of forgiveness by definition.
3. They believe it is sometimes positive to release bottled-up anger.
It is not good to bottle up anger. It results in bad health and is also sure to come out later. But neither is it positive to release anger on a target. It is damaging to anyone and everyone who is around.
God tells us to get rid of anger, to put it away—not to spew all over the one we are angry toward.
Rather, we are told to treat others as we want to be treated.
4. They do not consider peaceful acknowledgment of angry.
We can (1) push our anger down and fool ourselves into thinking we aren’t angry, (2) push it down and pretend we aren’t angry, (3) explode, or (4) acknowledge to the other person that we became angry at them.
It is always best to be truthful with ourselves, otherwise, the anger will never be dealt with and it will deal us. Sometimes it is best to keep it quiet, and sometimes it is best to let the other person know that we were angered by their actions. However, it can be expressed without “letting it out.”
Anger begets anger. Push on someone and they will push back. If we are angry when we let them know what they did wrong and try to lay down boundaries, they will react to our anger. We will stir up hard feelings and have to do damage control on the reactions caused by the anger, before we can deal with the issues.
Being open about being angry is different from releasing pent-up anger.
5. They see anger as positive because it communicates that a behavior is unacceptable.
So what? Much of the time, the individual knew it was unacceptable when they did it. If they didn’t know the behavior was unacceptable, why are you angry in the first place? Just tell them.
Second, unacceptable to whom? It could be my wishes versus your wishes. If we try to control the other’s behavior through anger, how are we different from a bully?
Anger is not a healthy way to control behavior in another person. It may work temporarily because the target of the anger conforms to avoid further anger, but their heart will harden, the relationship will be harmed, and there will be more damage to repair because of the anger, and because of manipulative control.
6. The study does not seem to recognize that anger is a secondary response.
It grows out of other emotions, such as fear, bitterness, guilt, shame, and a desire to control. Likewise, the other person’s unacceptable behavior that stirred up anger often grows from hidden feelings or roots.
To hold on to anger as a tool to change another person will further bury issues that need to be dealt with—in the perpetrator of anger and the target.
7. They don’t consider eternal truth.
God said to put all anger, wrath, malice and so forth behind us. He recognized that we will get angry, but we need to deal with it and get rid of it. We need to put it aside specifically because if we don’t, we will “let it out” on someone else, causing harm to them and to our relationship with them.
God doesn’t say to put away anger most of the time, or to get rid of it except when we need to convince someone that their behavior is unacceptable. What he does say, is that it is unacceptable for us to hold on to anger or to use it as a tool or weapon in our dealings with others.
I’m aware that many psychologists do not use the Word of God as a source in formulating their theories. Amazingly, some of their techniques actually work temporarily, but if you’ll notice, the
recommended trends are trends. They change regularly as new studies are done to discover why the last one doesn’t work well.
The Florida State University research and its conclusions is being presented this week at the American Psychological Association’s Annual convention in Orlando, but I don’t believe I will go hear the presentation.
I’d rather trust the eternal truth that doesn’t change.
“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: …enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, …and things like these, of which I forewarn you just as I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” (Gal 5:19-23).
To learn more about the roots that lead to anger and answers for overcoming them, check out Uprooting Anger: Destroying the Monster Within. Lives are being transformed through studying what God’s Word says about anger. Yours can be too.
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