Healing for Relational Pain: Seven Insights Gained the Hard Way
Nobody likes pain and we do what we can to avoid it. To me, the most devastating pain is relational pain. When we are offended by someone we love and trust, the pain goes deep. It creates a schism in the relationship—and quickly turns to anger.
I’ve observed that many Christians tend to deny having a problem with anger, in spite of family assessment to the contrary. We think, “I’m not angry, I just hurt.” However, in our not-angry state, our wounded hearts are guarded and we think bad thoughts toward the source of our pain. Furthermore, even if we try not to, we act cold toward them because we’re guarded. We also have an edge in our voice, and if we don’t guard our tongues, we say things we wish we hadn’t.
Maybe I’m speaking for myself. Does anybody else have this problem? For years, when offended, I told myself I wasn’t angry, just hurt. But, several years ago, after nursing my wounds for awhile, a situation heated up and additional hurt was piled on top of seeping wounds. I instantly lashed back with the sharpest attack I could muster.
I hurt my husband on purpose.
I’m not proud of that, but I’m grateful for it. It made me face the truth.
I wasn’t “just hurt.” I was angry. Angry that my husband—the one I loved and trusted the most—hurt me, and he hadn’t tried to make things right.
I can’t stand for relationships to be out of order, and I was crushed that I’d been so mean, so I quickly confessed. I told Robert that I didn’t believe what I said. Though I meant it in the moment (My tone of voice told him I meant it, I might as well admit it!), I said hateful things to try to hurt him back because I was hurt and felt trapped. I clarified that even though I wanted to hurt him, I didn’t believe what I said. Next, I asked his forgiveness for my words and for my desire to cause him pain.
The Lord is gracious and my dear husband is too. My explosion led to true reconciliation. Robert not only forgave me, he also truly listened to how I was hurt. He asked for forgiveness and prayed for my healing.
Through it, our relationship was strengthened, and I gained insight into pain management for relational wounds. I’ve learned:
1. My sin nature wants revenge in spite of my efforts to forgive those who hurt me and to let it pass. It is natural to want the other person to hurt too. It is only by a conscious choice and the power and grace of God that I’m able to truly forgive and put the incident behind me.
2. When the wound is deep, the choice to forgive and move on needs to be made repeatedly. Throughout the day, as negative thoughts arise, the offending party and the hurt need to be put in God’s hands for Him to deal with and bring reconciliation. In addition, until the heart is clear, each morning, upon awakening, a choice needs to be made to forgive the offender.
3. When offended, anger is not far behind. It’s human nature. When we’re hurt, we’re vulnerable. Consequently, we are quick to fight to defend ourselves. We feel like a cornered, wounded cat—and tend to act like one too. It may not feel the same within as when we’re angry about other things, but to those around us, it has all the signs of anger.
4. The hurt remains and grows as long as we focus on it. Every time we rewind the tape and rehearse what happened to cause the hurt, it deepens the groove of pain. As pain increases, the likelihood of striking out increases.
5. God has an answer. To help us change focus, we can follow God’s word in 1 Peter 3:8-9, “To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.”
“Let all be harmonious . . . All means me. This verse says that when we’ve been insulted or treated with evil intent, we need to guard our hearts and seek God’s help to be harmonious, much less sympathetic and kindhearted. It even takes the edge off relational pain to even consider what it means to be humble in spirit.
6. Furthermore, we need God’s help to find a way in the midst of pain to have a right attitude and give a blessing rather than returning insults and evil. It takes serious prayer and thought. However, when the blessing is given as unto the Lord, in obedience to Him, it brings healing to the pain.
Anger and the instinct to fight is a natural response to relational pain. The godly response is to bless the offender. The end of the verse indicates that we are to bless because we “were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” As we make the choice to bless those who have hurt us, WE will be blessed.
7. We have a choice. Jesus is the Great Physician, the Redeemer and Savior. He loves us, understands our pain, and is with us in the midst of it. However, it’s our choice whether we wallow in our pain and anger or walk with Jesus to receive healing and blessing. It’s not always easy to forgive and to bless, but it’s worth the effort.
How do you find life and healing when you’ve experienced relational pain?
(Note: Situations of repeated abuse, are another matter. We are not to return evil for evil, but that does not mean we are to remain in a place of danger. If you are in such a situation, seek counsel and help.)
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