I’ve Had It!
A home school mother (we’ll call her Christa), who was frustrated with her inability to conquer anger, shared the following story with me.
It had been a stressful morning. Nothing was going right. The four children had been intentionally irritating each other all morning long. Three of the four had already been taken aside for discipline, a couple of them more than once. What a morning! Christa’s insides were tied in knots.
After one more altercation, Christa suddenly exploded, “I’ve had it! I’ve had it! I’m not going to put up with this any longer!”
The children looked on with wide eyes as frustration and anger spewed forth, “You are not going to keep behaving like this! We are going to learn character in this family! We are going to start acting like Christians! God is looking down on you and He is not pleased!”
Christa paused for breath and suddenly realized, “God’s looking down on me too—and He is not pleased with me either!”
In guilt and remorse, she thought, “My anger, screaming, and yelling don’t teach them to love one another. No wonder my children act like they do when they see my example.”
Christa and her husband had chosen to home school in order to build godly character into their children. On this particular day, it didn’t seem to be working. Her efforts seemed in vain. She was frustrated from the conflict, but she was also disturbed because godly character was lacking in her children.
Christa had tried to be patient as she addressed one conflict after another. When the quarrels continued, she called on anger to make herself bigger and more powerful. She needed more power and authority to make her children obey.
Anger is counterfeit power that we use when we feel threatened or helpless. But it is counterfeit. It may bring about temporary results, but it doesn’t bring transformational change.
James Dobson said that “disciplinary action influences behavior; anger does not. . . . When it comes to boys and girls, . . . I am convinced that adult anger incites a malignant kind of disrespect in their minds.”
Dobson goes on to say, anger is “ineffective and can be damaging to the relationship between generations.” Children may change their behavior to avoid stirring up more anger, but the more they are subjected to the wrath of their parents, the more resistant they will become.
Furthermore, as children, they are learning from us how to handle situations in life. If we resort to anger when we are hurt or frustrated, what are they learning? What will they do when they are parents?
I believe that anybody with children can identify with Christa and understand why she blew her cool. But the desired goal of righteous children does not sanctify the use of anger to reach that end. We want our children to walk in righteousness, anger does not produce the righteousness of God.
Righteousness comes from God. If we could force righteousness into our children through anger, God wouldn’t have told us to get rid of “all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor” (Eph. 4:31). In Galatians 5, He calls it a “deed of the flesh” and puts it in the same category as immorality, idolatry, sorcery, drunkenness, and carousing (vv. 19-21). Anger is disruptive and damaging. It needs to be put away.
Christa was disappointed, hurt, frustrated, and angry. But her heart was still open to hear from God. Even in the midst of her outburst, she saw that she was guilty just like her children. She owned her responsibility as parent to model proper behavior. Accepting personal responsibility is the first step in conquering anger.
The good news is that we are not alone. Jesus is not only our Savior. He is also our Redeemer. If we yield to Him, and cooperate with Him, He will change our hearts—not just when we get saved, but as we grow into His likeness.
But first, we need to admit our responsibility. Then, when we call on God for help and we yield to Him, He’ll be there. He is waiting to transform us so we can act like Christians—and thereby be better influence for others to walk in righteousness.
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