One Key to Anger Management
When tensions rise in a relationship, the tendency for most of us is to try to make the other side understand. We think if they know what we meant by what we said or why we did what we did, and they understand where we’re coming from, the tension will dissolve. Everything will then be fine and we can continue with life.
However, instead of fading away, tensions escalate, exploding in our faces. We respond in self defense, and find ourselves in a full blown war. What happened?
The answer is simple. In Proverbs, we learn that “he who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him” (18:13). It’s folly and shame because as he applies answers to heal the rift, what it actually does is pour fuel on the fire.
However, this verse holds an important principle for all relationships: don’t give an answer before you hear.
“A wise man will hear and increase in learning” (Prov. 1:5). If we listen to what the other party has to say and understand where he’s coming from, it shows value to the person as well increasing our knowledge of the situation.
If we cry out to the Lord, and listen to Him as we listen to the other person, we will gain true wisdom as to how to proceed. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Prov. 9:10). As we seek Him, He will guide us. “From His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright” (Prov. 2:2-7). Knowledge from God lays a foundation. He then gives understanding to show us how to apply it, thus giving us wisdom for the moment.
Our knowledge rarely settles an issue. As Jim Hendrix said, “knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” It doesn’t matter how much we already know, if we want to diffuse anger before it escalates, we need to put on a listening ear, not tell the involved parties anything—not what you meant, not what they need to do differently.
The secret to settle conflict quickly is hearing—hearing God, and hearing the other person.
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