4 Steps to Mend Broken Relationships—Part 2
Life is brighter and more fun when harmony reigns in relationships. However, sometimes misunderstandings or disagreements escalate to conflict and discord. Before you know it, a close friendship can be shattered.
The Bible tells us to be peacemakers, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to restore peace. However, there are positive steps you can take to advance reconciliation.
If you didn’t lose your cool and do—or say—something that hurt the other person, the relationship can sometimes be restored if you go to him or her with a spirit of friendship or a token gift of reconciliation.
However, if there’s history of conflict or if the other person was offended in the interchange, you’ll need to go deeper than glossing over what happened. In order to mend the breach, first submit the relationship and the process of reconciliation to God. Then follow four steps to mend the damage and restore peace and goodwill.
1. Find inner peace.
Before jumping in to fix things, ask the Lord to search your heart and reveal any unrighteousness in you. Be transparent before God and honest with yourself.
What did you do that could be misunderstood or be hurtful in any way? What attitudes did you have that were self-serving rather than loving? In order to mend broken relationships you need to first find peace with yourself. In Part 1, you can learn 4 Steps to Inner Peace after an Angry Outburst.
2. Admit you were wrong and ask forgiveness.
Go to the offended person and admit where you were wrong. Don’t explain or defend yourself. If you justify your actions or blame the other person, it will raise questions as to whether or not you’re sincere. It will also produce hard feelings rather than bring healing.
Simply state what you did wrong and ask forgiveness—even if only 10% of the problem is yours.
Confessing your shortcoming is a sign that you value the other person and the relationship. Asking forgiveness gives them an opportunity to respond and clears the air.
For example, say, “I’m sorry I was insensitive,” or “I’m sorry I yelled. I don’t want to act like that toward you.” Then follow with, “Will your forgive me?”
If the other person won’t forgive you, it means they’re still hurting inside. If they refuse, ask if there was something else that offended them. Be prepared to hear what they say without defending yourself and getting angry all over again. This leads to the next point.
3. Listen.
Try to move to the other side and imagine how they felt in the conflict. Why is the issue important to them? Where do they feel threatened? How did they react to what you said and did?
Listening is important in rebuilding the bond in a relationship. Telling your side of the story will not rebuild the connection.
Listening shows respect and demonstrates caring. It also offers an opportunity to understand where the conflict developed and to clear up misunderstandings. Listen for their perspective. Maintain the goal of understanding how the other person feels.
Feelings are not always rational, but they are real, and they often dictate responses. As you listen, don’t defend yourself. If you’re in their shoes—thinking and feeling as they do—you won’t defend yourself in the interchange.
If they misunderstood something you said or did, before gently showing your side, preface your remarks with, “I understand how you heard/felt like you did, but can I explain what I intended?” ( Or “why I did . . . ?”) Then, state the facts without placing blame on the other person. Take total responsibility as you share your side of the story.
4. Show you care.
When someone is hurt, they erect walls to avoid further hurt. Saying, “I care”—through words or touch—tears down protective walls. When the two words I care are sincere, they are powerful.
Touch also builds a bridge of caring. Virtue flows through a hug, a handshake, or a pat on the hand or back. It strengthens the relational connection. While dynamic, touch needs to be appropriate for the relationship and the situation.
How often have you seen frowns turn to giggles as two children are forced to hug after a dispute? Apply the same principle to an appropriate gesture in your situation.
With a spouse or with your child, tempers are less likely to flare if you’re touching during the discussion—even if it is just your feet touching or sides of your hands touching as you sit on the couch.
If the person refused to forgive you earlier, after saying, “I care,” if the walls come down, you might ask “Are we clear?” You can also ask again if they’ll forgive you.
Throughout your attempt to restore peace, keep in mind that the relationship is more important than proving your point or winning your way.
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