How to Give a Gentle Answer —Kay Camenisch
God tells us so in Proverbs 15:1 that a gentle answer turns away wrath. But, it is difficult to apply that to life in the midst of tension. When someone acts angry toward me, soft and gentle seem to fade away. When I feel attacked I instinctively defend myself. If I’m not careful, before I think about it, I’ve said something that I later regret, or speak in a tone that is not helpful.
However, when we respond to anger with anger, the problem doesn’t lie in our mouths or the tone of our voice. The problem is in our hearts, for “the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart” (Matt. 12:34). If our hearts are not filled with God’s grace, we will automatically respond in anger. If we want to turn away wrath with a gentle answer, we need to keep our hearts focused on God, and not get tangled in the problem.
Last week, I learned how to quickly focus the heart back on God, our source for responding graciously.
Ashanti Williams—a former inmate at Angola Prison in Louisiana, and presently an assistant pastor—has a method that helps him maintain the presence of God in the midst of tension. He told of a time his wife, Susan, was a bit intense about something and wanted to talk. Ashanti responded by quietly singing, “Alleluia.” He didn’t say anything. He simply turned his heart toward God in song.
Susan said, “You’re not listening.”
“Yes, I am. Keep talking,” said Ashanti, and he continued singing, “Alleluia.”
“But you’re not listening to me!”
Ashanti interrupted his song just long enough to say, “Baby, I’m listening, but we need the Spirit of God to be part of this conversation.” The song helped Ashanti stay focused on the Lord, giving him grace to remain calm and to give a gentle answer.
Meanwhile, Susan’s intensity decreased and she was soon silent. Ashanti’s gentle answer turned away wrath. With God a part of the conversation, they could discuss the issue at hand without the force and destructiveness of anger.
I haven’t had an opportunity to practice Ashanti’s trick of defusing anger, but it has to be better than escalating tensions and hurt feelings.
—Kay Camenisch