Holding On
Two birds battled in our driveway. The beak of one was clamped firmly on the leg of the other, and it wouldn’t let go. The captured bird wrestled frantically to break loose. They jerked, thrashed, and rolled as each fought to gain advantage. It looked like a fight to the death.
I spotted the birds as I was leaving home to run an errand. I watched for almost ten minutes, but I needed to go, and the birds blocked my path. I finally slowly rolled forward. When the front tire of my car was about a foot from them, the assailant finally released its grip, and the two flew away, free.
Personal Application!
The battle reminded me of a time my husband, Robert, and I struggled. We must have looked just like those fighting birds. Conflict threatened to destroy our marriage and we couldn’t seem to work through it. We kept thrashing and tumbling as we sought to gain advantage. At every turn, one—usually both—of us was hurt, and I thought the emotional bumps and bruises would never cease. Meanwhile, our relationship deteriorated.
Struggles in relationships are often lengthened because, like the birds, neither gives in. We hold on, refusing to let go. We don’t realize that as long as we maintain our grip, we are trapped too. We are jerked, tossed, and tumbled, being wounded along with the one we won’t release.
The Key to Peace is in My Hand!
Throughout my struggle with Robert, I never guessed that I held the key to stopping the conflict. Freedom came after I finally realized I was holding onto Robert’s leg through judgment. My judgment of him kept us locked in conflict, destroying the peace and joy we once knew.
Where the Conflict Began
I can see now that the conflict began when I didn’t approve of a decision Robert made and was afraid our family would suffer. My fear led me to be too forceful when we first talked about my concerns. Consequently, nothing changed. Later, even as I tried to be respectful and supportive, I was thinking, “you shouldn’t be doing that,” and “You ought to . . .” I held him by the leg with my shoulds and oughts and continued to judge his decisions.
However, I was not aware of my judgment. I was blinded by my fear of the consequences we might suffer from his choices.
Robert’s Side of the Story
Meanwhile, it felt to Robert like I didn’t respect him and he couldn’t do anything right. Even when I didn’t say anything, he sensed my underlying judgment. It was hard for him to hear God because he was overwhelmed by fear of my reactions.
A Vicious Circle
As the conflict continued, my greatest concern was Robert’s lack of seeking the Lord. How could we expect God’s blessing if we didn’t seek His direction? What I didn’t realize was that I was in the way. I was standing between my husband and God. He was so afraid of my reaction that he couldn’t find the Lord.
God’s Answer
Jesus’ words are so true, “Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you” (Mat 7:1-2 NASB). As long as I remained judgmental against my husband, I felt judged by him because he didn’t seem to listen to anything I said. The consequences of my judgment were worse than those from his decisions. For months, we scrambled like two birds in the driveway.
Freedom from Strife
I finally saw that I was not trusting God and that I was hindering Robert by my judgment. When I released him from my “shoulds” and “oughts” and trusted God to work out His purposes, Robert and I were both freed. He was free to hear God, and we both found peace with God and with each other. We were able to reestablish the fellowship we had once enjoyed.
The same principle holds true with other people in our lives. If we dwell on how they should and ought to be doing something, it leads to tension and conflict. If we trust God to work in their lives, we avoid struggles that bind us and lead to hurt. Instead of holding on, we need to release people and circumstances into God’s hands. After all, He is the judge. When we act as judge, we are acting as god.
“Therefore you are without excuse every man of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another, you condemn yourself, for you who judge practice the same things”
(Rom. 2:1 NASB).
You can leave a comment by clicking here.