Turn Irritating Differences into Blessings
“My girlfriend and I worry about different things. One day, I was like, ‘What do you fear the most?’ And she was like, ‘I fear you’ll meet someone else, and you’ll leave me, and I’ll be all alone.’ And she was like, ‘What do you fear the most?’ And I was like, ‘Bears.’” (Comedian Matt Birbiglia, “Laughter, the Best Medicine,” Reader’s Digest, February 2013).
Did you chuckle when you read that? I did—because I identify with it. It’s funny because it points out differences between men and women, differences that are common enough that most people can identify.
A woman’s fears usually relational and concern people that are close to her—her nest or those closely attached to it. In contrast, a man’s fears generally focus on the outside world, his work, and conquering the world—or bears, as the case may be.
Another factor that makes this humorous is that he gives his answer in a word, a short word at that. But her answer requires three phrases that paint a picture detailing the story of her fear. And that is what we expect. The female is usually more verbal, particularly within a committed relationship.
Men are wired differently than women. This just begins to touch differences between men and women.
But that’s also true within the genders. No two people are alike, and tensions and struggles grow out of those differences.
Problems often arise when we expect those around us to be the same as us—to think the same, have the same values, the same lifestyle, habits, priorities, or expectations.
When differences arise unexpectedly—or continually—it’s easy to be irritated or even get angry if we expect others to be like us.
If you desire peace and harmony in relationships, work through differences. Seek to understand the others. Look below the surface and get to know the inner person. Try to stand in his or her shoes and look at life from his or her perspective.
Understanding often leads to appreciation and greater tolerance. But, how can you understand the someone who is different?
Key steps toward identifying with someone else are:
- Don’t judge. Judgment closes your mind and blocks true understanding. It also guarantees that you will be judged in return. (Mt. 7:1-5)
- Listen. Don’t interrupt. Instead of trying to make the other person understand you, seek to know them. Really listen as they talk. Ask questions to draw them out. (Jas. 1:19)
- Imagine yourself in their story. Stand in their shoes. What would you be like if you came from the same background and had to deal with the same problems or issues?
- Respond in such a way that the other person knows you’re listening. Ask questions to learn more. Verbalize words of empathy.
- Speak affirmation. One of our greatest needs as individuals is to be appreciated. As you say words of affirmation, it will fill a basic need in the other person and will reinforce positive feelings in you. For them, having a foundational need met will help them meet their potential as a person. (1 Th. 5:11, 14)
Differences are inevitable, but major conflict isn’t. As you grow to appreciate the people around you, you will not be as easily annoyed by differences. In fact, you can learn to welcome unexpected variation and enjoy the interest and spice that their differences add to your life.
When you value and appreciate the people around you, you can build them up instead of being part of the problem by becoming irritated. In fact, if you remain positive, you can serve as peacemaker when conflict arises among others.
You become a blessing to those who need a blessing.
What helps you accept differences in others rather than getting irritated?
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