Anger? or Adrenaline?
As part of a group study, I’m suppose to write down an anger incident each week for eight weeks. If I’ve been angry, I’m to record one incident a week—even if I didn’t act angry, but just felt frustrated, impatient, hurt—or such. Of course, I can put N/A if none of those apply.
I’ve been studying and working on this anger thing for years, so I’m thinking I’m doing pretty good. (Can you hear that I’ve set myself up to fail?) However, having to write things down has made me notice things I would have let pass before. One was amusing.
After going to bed one night, I slowly drifted into a relaxed, half-conscious state. I’m not sure whether I was awake, or asleep and dreaming when I remembered something.
I remembered that through e-mail, a couple of days earlier I’d accepted responsibility to do something. At the time, I thought, “Oh, I hope I don’t forget this,” but I didn’t have time to put write a reminder.
Around midnight, I remembered that commitment. BUT, I couldn’t remember what I said I’d do, nor who it was that asked me. I panicked, afraid I’d let something important slip through the cracks.
I suddenly bounded out of bed as if catapulted. While in motion and still not fully awake, I yelled, “Oh, NO! I forgot!”
Startled awake, Robert grabbed for me saying, “Kay! Kay! Wake up!”
He barely got his hands on me as I pulled away, yelling, “I’m awake! I forgot something.”
A thorough search of e-mails at midnight did not reveal any such conversation. I still don’t know if I made it all up in my dream, if I was remembering a dream from a few days earlier, or if indeed, I’ve let somebody down by not keeping my commitment.
Even if it was a dream, I think the Lord set it up to reveal my heart.
Because of my assignment, I questioned, “Was I angry when I bounded out of bed and yelled at Robert “I’m awake!”?
I definitely sounded angry, but I reasoned, “That was adrenaline causing such intensity.” (My adrenaline was so pumped that I still had a hard time going back to sleep three hours later— after 3:00 a.m.)
I wasn’t going to write up “adrenaline talk.” That’s not anger.
But I sounded angry. The mouth speaks out of things that are in the heart (Mt. 15:18). I couldn’t ignore the tone that came from my mouth.
When I started writing it down, it helped me more completely revisit the situation in my feelings. I saw that I was indeed angry. It sprang from not being in control.
I was out of control because I didn’t know what I promised or to whom. I may have already let somebody down. I was out of control.
Furthermore, Robert was trying to keep me in bed when I needed to go check it out. In my panic, I felt like he was trying to control me. He was just helping, but I felt blocked.
But he experienced anger in my voice, even while I called it adrenaline.
All from a dream, but it was revealing. It illustrates four things about anger.
- Sometimes we’re blind to our anger, especially if it’s fleeting.
- Those around us sense our anger before we do.
- The heart is deceptive above all things—even when we’re trying to guard it and watching for hidden sin. I was deceived when I patted myself on the back and when I rationalized and blamed adrenaline.
- The Lord is faithful to discipline His children. When we’re truly seeking Him and trying to walk in righteousness, He’ll shine His light on sin in our lives.
Occasionally we’ll even be able to chuckle as we see it and repent. Maybe someday I’ll learn what it means to truly surrender to God and trust His control.
Have you called anger by another name, only to realize later that other people knew you were angry?
You can leave a comment by clicking here.