How Can I Fix Him?

posted March 31, 2015 under anger, angry husband, how to fix an angry mate, when anger is a problem

“It’s my husband. He has a problem, but he doesn’t see it. I was wondering if I
buy the book if . . ..” . . . Well, if I buy the book, will it fix him?

The problem? Anger. The book, Uprooting Anger: Destroying the Monster Within. It drew attention at a conference last weekend. Many bought it for themselves. Those who wanted it for their spouse, chatted awhile before admitting that they wondered if their husbands would use it if they bought it.

They linger because they know the answer. Generally, their husbands don’t acknowledge that they have a problem with anger. The wife hesitates to seek a solution, that is, to buy the book, because experience has taught her that her efforts to motivate hubby to get help always backfires.

But pain from seeing anger destroying the family makes it difficult to walk away. There is a flicker of hope that maybe this could be the answer that will restore the family’s joy.

It rarely works for a wife to try to fix her husband’s problems.

This blog is prompted by the wives, but it has answers for husbands as well.

In short, don’t buy a book to help a spouse “fix” something that he or she doesn’t admit needs to be fixed. You’re wasting your time and likely hindering the effort.

The job of convicting of sin belongs to the Holy Spirit (Jn. 16:8). He can handle the situation much more effectively and efficiently than we can. Leave it to Him.

So, am I saying that there is nothing you can do? No, absolutely not. There are some things to do.

But they aren’t as easy as buying a book. They’re tough, but it’s worth it. Following are a few ideas that could make a difference.

1. Don’t respond in anger. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger” (Pr. 15:1). This verse is simple to memorize, but difficult to practice. When you do respond in anger, ask the Lord to show you the unrighteous attitude that led to your harsh response. Ask forgiveness for your sin—without pointing out your spouse’s fault.
2. Ladies, respect your husband (Eph. 5:33)—in actions, words, tone of voice, and in attitude (heart). Lack of respect fuels insecurity in a man and thus fuels anger. Disrespect also makes him less open to address the anger, because it makes it more difficult for him to be vulnerable.      Men, love your wife (Eph. 5:33). She needs to be secure in your love just like you need respect. If she doesn’t feel loved and cared for, it will be very difficult for her to be vulnerable enough to address her anger. Listen to her without judgment. Pray with and for her. Study God’s Word with her. (Uprooting Anger is a good resource, based on the Word.)

3. Pray for your spouse daily (Jas.5:16), but don’t focus your prayers on his/her problem. Instead, praise God for the things you are grateful for about your spouse. Pray that he will know God’s love, that God will accomplish His will in his life, and that the Lord will show you how to love and serve him/her better.
4. Take the log out of your own eye (Lu. 6:42). Unforgiveness, bitterness, and judgment toward your spouse will block his/her openness to the work of the Lord in his/her life. Clean your own house before demanding or expecting it of your spouse.

As you work on your own short-comings, those of your mate won’t seem quite as big. Furthermore, it will leave more room for the Holy Spirit to work.

From my personal experience, and from what I’ve heard from others over many years, my counsel is: instead of trying to “fix him,” work with the Lord to fix you and leave the fixing of your mate to the Lord.