Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships

Replace Conflict and Strife with Grace and Peace

Is bickering, conflict and strife threatening to destroy your marriage? Your  family? Your job? A close relationship?

Don’t let strife tear apart important relationships.  You can make a difference toward positive change. “Turn away from evil and do good; …seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11).

How? How do you turn from strife and seek peace when conflict erupts in your face?

For years we’ve heard that we need to count to ten before saying anything, but Jesus’ instructions are much more effective. He said, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye”(Mt. 7:5).

It’s natural to focus on what others are doing wrong, but if we get angry at the other person before first searching our own hearts for unrighteousness, we are hypocrites. (Jesus said it, not me.)

When I ask God to show me if there is any unrighteousness in me, He’s always faithful!

Furthermore, I often find that the thing that upsets me about the other person is lurking in my heart as well.

Am I upset because it seems:

  • They are trying to control me? . . . I’m angry because I want to be in control.
  • They are being insensitive and only thinking of themselves? . . . So am I.
  • They are judging me.  . . . I’m guilty of the same.
  • They said something mean. . . . I didn’t say it, but I had mean thoughts too.

Look past your actions. What attitudes are in your heart? Do they reflect the mercy and grace of the Lord? Is your heart in line with the conditions of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13?

The log in your own eye may be ugly. You may find deep issues of unforgiveness, bitterness, and judgment. You may not like it.

But you’ll love the freedom, peace, and joy you get if you take those findings (logs) to the Lord and ask His forgiveness for your own shortcomings.

When you do that, amazing things happen in a relationship that was strained. Most of the time, strife will be avoided. Even if the conflict is not totally settled, you will have a measure of faith and peace in the midst of it. You will have more grace to deal with the other person and the situation.

After all, while taking the log out of your own eye, you’re dealing with unrighteousness in your heart. As you remove the hindrance in your relationship with God, you clear the way to receive more of His grace. As you receive more of His grace, all of life will be richer and sweeter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(1 Peter 3:11).

How? How do you turn from strife and seek peace when conflict erupts in your face?

For years we’ve heard that we need to count to ten before saying anything, but Jesus’ instructions are much more effective. He said, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye”(Mt. 7:5).

It’s natural to focus on what others are doing wrong, but if we get angry at the other person before first searching our own hearts for unrighteousness, we are hypocrites. (Jesus said it, not me.)

When I ask God to show me if there is any unrighteousness in me, He’s always faithful!

Furthermore, I often find that the thing that upsets me about the other person is lurking in my heart as well.

Am I upset because it seems:

They are trying to control me?  . . . I find I react in angry because I want to be in control.

They are being insensitive and only thinking of themselves? . . . So am I.

They are judging me.  . . . I’m guilty of the same.

They said something mean. . . . Maybe I didn’t say it, but I thought something mean too.

Look past your actions. What attitudes are in your heart? Do they reflect the mercy and grace of the Lord? Is your heart in line with the conditions of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13?

What you find when you identify the log in your own eye may be ugly. You may find deep issues of unforgiveness, bitterness, and judgment. You may not like it.

But you’ll love the freedom, peace, and joy you get if you take those findings to the Lord and ask His forgiveness for your own shortcomings.

When you do that, amazing things happen in a relationship that was strained. Most of the time, strife will be avoided. Even if the conflict is not totally settled, you will have a measure of faith and peace in the midst of it. You will have more grace to deal with the other person and the situation.

After all, by taking the log out of your own eye, you’re dealing with unrighteousness in your heart. As you remove the hindrance in your relationship with God, you clear the way to receive more of His grace. As you receive more of His grace and all of life will be richer and sweeter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overcoming an Evil-for-Evil Relationship

Our marriage was punctuated with conflict and strife. What happened to the peace and joy that we had enjoyed for so long? How had the seemingly never-ending sparring match begun? Robert and I no longer trusted each other for good.

The thunderstorm raging outside as I write illustrates what our marriage had become like. Flashes of lightening streak across the sky, followed by crashing thunder and rumblings that roll across the land. Before the rumblings die down, the sky is streaked once again, and claps of thunder reverberate through the house.

Only in our home it was anger that raged, flashed, and exploded. And there was nothing majestic or beautiful about it or about the turmoil, judgment, and pain that reverberated and rumbled on and on.

I felt I was suffocating, caught in a vicious, unrelenting cycle.

An opportunity to house sit for a couple of days for friends gave me a chance to sort through what was happening, seek God, and hope for a moment of peace.

While there, God spoke to me.

He said, “Let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit, not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:8-9).

I longed for harmony, sympathy, brotherly fellowship, and kindheartedness, but it seemed foreign and impossible to attain—in me or in our relationship. Nevertheless, through these verses the Lord gave me direction.

And hope.

I was too beaten down to embrace much at the moment, but I knew my task. I needed to not return evil for evil or insult for insult. I needed to give a blessing instead.

I had said many hurtful things to Robert. They flowed from the pain within, but I needed to break the pattern and give a blessing when I was tempted to return evil. I didn’t know how to do that, but I clung to it because at least I knew what to do.

Furthermore, I sensed the Lord with me. He spoke to me. God would lead us through the terrible storm.

I was also intrigued and gained hope from the end of the verse. “For you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). I desperately needed God’s blessing. If I understood correctly, I needed to learn to bless instead of insult because God wanted me to be blessed. If I blessed him, I would be blessed—and God’s desire and purpose was to bless me! Those were words of life.

When we sense a negative or evil attitude from someone else, the natural response is to react in the same manner. But that is not God’s way. He is love. His kingdom is righteousness, peace, and joy. As His representatives, we need to give a blessing rather than responding  negatively. Giving a blessing instead will calm the storm.

If you are trapped in an evil-for-evil relationship, giving a blessing is easier said than done. Some days, it feels almost impossible. But you are not alone. Cry out to God for help. In your weakness, draw on His strength, His kindness, His righteousness, His love. He is waiting to be asked.

For us, the storm did pass—just as the storm outside passed as I wrote this. We are experiencing greater harmony, fellowship, and joy now than we ever dreamed was possible before, and certainly during, our stormy years.

Don’t give up. However, instead of fighting your way out of the storm, ask God what you need to do. Let Him lead you to righteousness, peace, and joy.

The Lord showed us that judgment trapped us in turmoil. If you are trapped in an evil-for-evil relationship, learn how to break free through a short, free book, The Judgment Trap.

 

 

Listen to the Still, Quiet Voice

As father, pastor, principle, mentor of young adults, and leader of youth—as the authority, Robert has had opportunity to deal with young people who got into trouble. Many of them identify with the apostle Paul, who said, “. . .”I practice the very evil that I do not wish” (Rom 7:19).

They say they didn’t mean to do wrong. They often don’t know why they did it.

In such cases, Robert frequently asks, “When you thought about doing (the thing that led to trouble), did you have a small thought that maybe you shouldn’t do it?

The answer is always, “Yes.” They had a check in their spirits, but they chose to not listen.

Robert tells them he’s disappointed about their actions. However, ignoring and disobeying the Lord is much more grievous.

They ignored, still, quiet voice of caution was the Holy Spirit.

The voice of caution is quiet. Consequently, it often seems like a small thing to ignore the little prompt of concern.

But rejecting God is not trivial.

In Hebrews 3:7-8, God says, “Therefore, just as the Holy Spirit says, ‘Today if you hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as when they provoked Me, As in the day of trial in the wilderness,”

Not listening leads to disobedience, which leads to a hard heart, which leads to provoking God, which—are you surprised?—leads to trouble.

It’s a vicious cycle that loops back around, repeating itself as we spiral downward, further and further from God. He gets our attention when trouble comes and we can’t find rest, but it started when we ignored the quiet voice of the Spirit and disobeyed God.

“And to whom did He swear that they should not enter His rest, but to those who were disobedient? And so we see that they were not able to enter because of unbelief” (Rom 3:18-19).

We think we believe, but our belief is not deep enough to keep us focused on the Lord and attuned to His Spirit. We think we’re following God, but when our desires are counter to His, we choose to do what we want, not listening to the quiet voice that seeks to guide us. We think it’s a small matter, no big deal.

But God calls it a hardened heart, disobedience, provocation, unbelief. It seems small to us, but it robs us of our rest, and it perpetuates our unbelief.

The Israelites got trapped in this cycle and wandered in the wilderness for 40 more years.

We don’t have to follow their steps. We can stay tuned for the still, quiet voice of the Spirit and heed what it says.

 

“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand” (John 10:27-29).
 
He leads me beside quiet waters. (Psalm 23:2b)

 

When has the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit kept you from harm?