Robert & Kay Camenisch encouraging and equipping relationships

Holding On To Anger

 Two birds battled in our driveway. The beak of one clamped firmly on the leg of the other. The captured bird wrestled frantically to break loose. They jerked, thrashed, and rolled as each fought to gain advantage. 

I spotted the birds as I was leaving to run an errand. The birds blocked my path for almost ten minutes. I finally slowly rolled forward. When my front tire was about a foot from them, the assailant finally released its grip, and the two birds flew away, free.

The battle reminded me of a time my husband, Robert, and I struggled. We looked like those birds. Conflict threatened to destroy our marriage as we thrashed and tumbled, trying to gain advantage. At every turn, one—usually both—of us was hurt. I thought the emotional bumps and would never cease and bruises never heal.

Struggles in relationships are often lengthened because, like the birds, neither gives in. We hold on, refusing to let go. We don’t realize that as long as we maintain our grip, we are trapping ourselves too. We’re wounded along with the one we won’t release.

The Key to Peace

Throughout my struggle with Robert, I never guessed that I held the key to stopping the conflict. Freedom finally came after I realized I was holding onto Robert’s leg through judgment. My judgment had destroyed the peace and joy we once knew.

Where the Conflict Began

The conflict began when I didn’t approve of a decision Robert made and was afraid our family would suffer. My fear led me to be too forceful when we first talked about my concerns. Consequently, nothing changed. Later, even as I tried to be respectful and supportive, I was thinking, “you shouldn’t be doing that,” and “You ought to . . .” I held him by the leg with my shoulds and oughts and continued to judge his decisions.

However, I was blinded by my fear of the consequences we might suffer from his choices. I wasn’t aware of my judgment. 

Robert’s Side of the Story

Meanwhile, it felt to Robert like I didn’t respect him and like he couldn’t do anything right. Even when I didn’t say anything, he sensed my underlying judgment. It was hard for him to hear God because he was overwhelmed by fear of my reactions.

A Vicious Circle

As the conflict continued, my greatest concern was Robert’s lack of seeking the Lord. How could we expect God’s blessing if we didn’t seek His direction? What I didn’t realize was that I was in the way. I was standing between my husband and God. He was so afraid of my reaction that he couldn’t find the Lord.

God’s Truth

Jesus said,  “Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you” (Mat 7:1-2 ). As long as I remained judgmental against my husband, I felt judged by him because he didn’t seem to listen to anything I said. The consequences of my judgment were worse than those from his decisions. For months, we scrambled like two birds in the driveway.

Freedom from Strife!

When I released Robert from my shoulds and oughts and trusted God to work out His purposes, Robert and I were both freed. He was free to hear God, and we found peace with God and with each other.

It doesn’t matter who we struggle with. Instead of holding on, we need to release people and circumstances into God’s hands. After all, He is the judge. When we act as judge, we are acting as god.

“Therefore you are without excuse every man of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another, you condemn yourself, for you who judge practice the same things” (Rom. 2:1 ).

Learn More

Jesus said, “judge with righteous judgment” in John 7:24, and “Do not judge lest you be judged” in Matthew 7:1. How do you reconcile these seemingly opposing Scriptures? Find the answer in the free e-book,  The Judgment Trap.